I consider myself a bit of an oracle when it comes to parenting. I have no grounds or qualifications for such a claim but I do have five years experience, three children and am proud to say I have never lost any of them. Therefore I deem myself the newly crowned oracle of parenting.
So with my self proclaimed new title I have decided to impart some words of wisdom on those of you who have yet to enter the parenting domain and give you a list of my top ten things to do before you have children.
1. Enjoy a bit of you time in the toilet. Luxuriate in every wee, read whilst sitting; take a moment to enjoy the silence. It will not be long until a small child bursts into the bathroom, having broken the lock long ago, clutching at their front bottom and hopping madly. Forcing you to wee like Niagra and vacate the premises before Lake Victoria empties onto the floor.
2. Go out with your t’other half after seven pm, it doesn’t have to be far. Just run to the corner of the street and shout “I’m free, I’m free” in unison. You may not appreciate it at the moment but when your lounge becomes your cell of which you can only be broken out of by an overpriced babysitter you will remember the moment fondly.
3. Clean your car, drive it to places you want to go. When the little legs join your family it will quickly turn into a raisin filled toy box with a faint odour of sick and only be used for school runs, party drop offs, swimming lessons pick up and trips to the in laws.
4. Love your hangover, stay in bed with water, tablets and a grown up magazine. Get out of bed only to replenish your caffeine supply and be bold; leave the cup on the floor in plain sight and enjoy the lack of stains on the carpet. For extra fun imagine how horrendous the same hangover would feel with a five year old bouncing on your head, a baby in your arms and Mr Tumble shouting at you from the tv.
5. Spend a long time looking at your breasts (if you are a girl) enjoy their presence up near your chin. Reassure your lonely belly button that post breast feeding it will be getting some company.
6. Be blissful in your ignorance that there is a whole realm of tv children’s aimed just at the under fives; and a whole other realm aimed at over fives. Soon you will be humming the theme tune to “in the night garden” whilst making your morning cuppa.
7. Back in the car; drive for hours without needing to stop on the hard shoulder. Post children there is a good chance your pelvic floor won’t cope with the lack of services on the M25 and a guaranteed certainty that a child’s bladder will become fit to burst as soon as you see a sign reading “Welcome Break 75 miles”
8. Pay no real attention to milk. Ignore it and use it only in tea, coffee and cereal. Soon it will take on a focal point within your household. Long discussions will follow about how to store it, make it, express it, freeze it and subsequently defrost it. How much milk is ingested daily within your family unit will be a trending topic in your time line of life and will lead to many countless stressful moments.
9. Holiday; go when the hell you please; don’t let an ageing headteacher and a board of governors tell you when you can leave the country to hit the beach.
10. Sleep, press the snooze button a million times, just because you can!
Should any other oracles of parenting stumble upon this post please feel free to add some words of wisdom below to help the future parents of the world.
This blog post is sponsored by Giraffe Childcare.