• Home
  • Work with me / About me
  • Disclosure
  • Terms/Privacy Policy
    • Cookie Policy
    • Website Terms & Conditions
  • Contact

Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

  • facebook
  • twitter
  • instagram
  • youtube
  • mail

do you remember your first time? was it slippy?

We all remember our first time!

It was soft and gentle, I worked my post natal body into positions a yoga instructor would be proud of. I even discovered that the balls were great fun to snuggle into, and occasionally even fun to grab and throw. The temptation to throw caution to the wind and slide my way to pleasure was immense. The kids were forgotten about and I was in ecstasy sliding, grabbing and playing with he who helped create them in time to the pumping beat.

Fast forward five years and the thought of visiting another soft play centre is enough to break me out in a cold sweat. Seriously I would rather go for a full facial wax with no Ibruprofen before hand rather than dip my big toe in a ball pool. I have joined the ranks of other parents huddled over cooling coffees fighting for the corner table away from the pounding speakers. Never really overtly worried about which activity my child is leaping from so long as they don’t find me and ask me to play.

In the last five years I have been to a multitude of soft play centres. Some big, some small, some with slides so fast they tear a bit of skin off the small of your back as your t shirt rides up high as grown up clothes are not designed to slip down plastic. My arse has been stuck in tubes not meant for size 16 mums and I have shamed my children time and time again by stopping half way down the slide as my booty is just too big. And sweet lord I despise the rollers, there is nothing worse then moving your too big body sweatily around the too small apparatus and then suddenly being confronted by two rollers with only a space for a “A” cup between then. Twin girl slips her elastic body through the gap easily, shouting for me to join her and I check my pockets in the hope I will find a man sized tub of vaseline lurking to help me through. Every time its the same, I become an undignified mess of boobs, belly and legs heaving myself through a piece of gym kit designed for a child (and a small one at that!)

I swear my hearing has been affected by the endless screams of childish pleasure and screeches of tears as twin boy takes out yet another alien (someone else’s child) with a ball from the pit.

But I love to see the newbies, the first time parents who don’t let their little one out of their sight, who whoop with excitement at their first time in a ball pool in twenty years. I smile from my hiding place at the back of the room remembering the parent I once was. For a moment I think about going back into the devils playground but all too quickly the memory of my arse stuck in a tunnel comes rushing back to me and claustaphobia sets in and I take refuge in my tea and flapjack.

I will never forget my first time, but really I don’t need to do it again!

Comments

  1. mymumdom says

    February 27, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    It wasn’t my first time, but I can remember getting stuck in a tunnel in a soft play area when pregnant with DD2. I was so firmly wedged in, they had to get a man to come in and unscrew the tunnel from the floor so they could pull it over my head.
    Oh the shame.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 27, 2011 at 3:33 pm

      Oh that’s fabulous! I have tears in my eyes, worth writing a whole blog for!

      Reply
    • wellstart parent says

      February 27, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      I don’t suppose there are any photos of this? Or a video for that matter? It’s priceless anyway, but it’d be priceless+£250 from Harry Hill if there was a video (and if you were willing to share it of course!)

      Reply
  2. PippaD @ A Mothers Ramblings says

    February 27, 2011 at 3:32 pm

    ROFL, I am always in the soft play area… not climbing in the tubes, but in all the rest of the areas! Saying that it might be a good way to find out how much weight I have lost!

    Reply
  3. mymumdom says

    February 27, 2011 at 3:44 pm

    It gets worse.
    After I’d taken my bruised ego back to the car, i discovered I’d lost my phone. So I have to take DD back in, and flop about in the ball pit to find it, all the time being glared at by the little maintenance man who was busy power screwing the upended tunnel back into place.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      February 27, 2011 at 4:46 pm

      I love you, will you be my best friend?

      Reply
  4. Don't step on the cracks says

    February 27, 2011 at 9:19 pm

    Am crying with laughter. Thank you Northern mum and My Mumdom. I needed cheering up this evening.

    Reply
  5. mummy@bodfortea says

    February 27, 2011 at 10:56 pm

    My first time I nearly broke my neck trying to walk gracefully out of the ball pit. Now I just lunge at the door! I still love taking DD there though. They’ve got a bouncy net thing that she tries to run on and it makes us both giggle. Talking of which My Mummydom deserves an Oscar for that comment – I nearly spat out my tea! 😀

    Reply
  6. Michelloui | The American Resident says

    February 28, 2011 at 8:52 am

    Just this weekend I was telling soon to be parents about the horrors of the soft play centers. Their eyes glazed over and I could hear their thoughts ‘yes, but *we* won’t be that kind of parent.’

    I’ll be sure to encourage them to have their child’s third birthday party at one. I figure that’s about the best age to experience the worst of those places. Ugh! The person who invents a Parent Friendly Play Center will become a very wealthy person…

    Funny post, I can sooooooo relate!

    Reply
  7. pamperedmummy says

    February 28, 2011 at 5:49 pm

    Great post and fab comments, I have tears in my eyes also!!! We have a big theme park called twinlakes near us and we are always there. I was still going in the soft play area and down the big slides at 37 weeks with SPD as my little girl was too small to go in alone, not fun but luckily didn’t get stuck!!!

    Reply
  8. Elenchus says

    February 28, 2011 at 9:57 pm

    My daughter accused me this evening of being ‘grave’. What she doesn’t understand is that I have spent years cultivating this appearance so that when a child needs someone to ‘help’ or to ‘play’ or to ‘be fun’ with them in the soft-play centre, I’m the last parent they turn to. It’s like being the last one to be picked for the sports team…accidentally ON PURPOSE, when you know that actually by now they have enough players, so you’ll get to sit the whole game out, swigging gin from your ‘water’ bottle. (What do you mean you can’t take in your own food and drink?!) E x

    http://philosopher-without-a-cause.blogspot.com/

    Reply
  9. Kerry says

    February 28, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    The rollers arghhhh I have a get out clause for them which I love. My Glasses! Woot woot! There is a reason for being four eyes! I can not get through rollers and they will break my glasses I have gone ten years of working with children with this reason and it has never ever failed me. xx

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 10,121 other subscribers

Categories

  • All Posts
  • BB's journey with DDH
  • Breastfeeding
  • mummyblog
  • Paleo / Crossfitting
  • Reviews / Featured Content
  • Travel / Out and About
  • Twin Girl and Type 1 Diabetes
  • Uncategorized

Tots 100

TOTS100 - UK Parent Blogs
TOTS100

Search

Follow on Bloglovin

Follow on Bloglovin

Previously on northernmum….

Awards!

Tots100 MAD Blog Awards

Looking to Save Money?

Check out my thrify blog, full of ideas to eat and play well  – for less money!

www.fromspendingtosaving.co.uk

Northern Mum

Copyright © 2019 Northern Mum Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three
Site design with help from DigitalJen

Copyright © 2021 · Slush Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

SAVE & ACCEPT