I think I have been pretty honest in my journey with a frantic mind. 12 months ago my brain was so suffocated I found it hard to function. Clouds of chaos wrecked destruction on my day to day operations; and for someone who always thought they could do anything when they put their mind to it, to realise that my mind needed to reboot for a while was a shock.
Has it gone?
Can I manage it.
I have learnt to be kinder to myself. When the nervous voice inside my head whispers my inner most fears to me, creating a typhoon of emotions that swirl in my belly, that move with a ferocity of speed that chokes me.
I take a minute.
I tried journaling – I felt like a bad Adrian Mole, and many funny moments have been wasted on paper that only I will read. I’m an introvert extrovert; if I write funny, I want someone else to laugh at the joke. So journaling wasn’t for me.
I tried mediation – the kids laughed at me, like belly laughed, when they saw me sitting in the garden quietly enjoying the sunshine. Then they came and demanded parenting from me. Again, not for me.
I tried wine and gin – they were immensely successful; until the morning after and the next three days when I was like a stoned teenager, paranoid about the world and all its problems. I’d like to say it isn’t for me, but every now and then I give the vino another chance – the end result is always the same though.
So, I tried kindness and perspective and 50mg of Sertaline a day.
A treat actually.
When I forget to do one, I pay the price three days later.
When I religiously do all three, I feel like I can climb mountains again.
Side effects – I work harder than ever, my anxious mind links to chronic fears about a future I cannot control, so I focus in the now, in my own ambitions.
I gained weight.
Lockdown didn’t really help with that. But, I am at an all time round. However, my kids are not finding me weeping in bed first thing about how I will one day reitre, my parents aren’t offering to have me move in with them because they are watching their once force of nature daughter descend into a whimpering shadow.
If a belly full of cake is the price I pay currently for a quieter mind and an eager perspective on life, then I will settle for that, and remain confident that when I am ready, my old wardrobe will be waiting for me.
I live for the moment, I savour the now, I have learnt to recongnise that the world is an incredibly unpredictable place to live, and to think you have it all figured out is a mistake.
When my mind tries to drag me to depression, to the what if this happens. I drag that weighted ball into the sunshine (thanks Katie) and think about all the wonderful things that I have yet to experience.
I work really hard at being happy, because it truly is journey, and I wasted so many days last year in a bear trap of misery.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, there is always options, and there are always people who will help.
Beauty is everywhere, but sometimes it is hidden, and you need to search it out.
But it is always worth it.
I thank my mind for making me appreciate these moments more.
And as always, onwards and upwards.