• Home
  • Work with me / About me
  • Disclosure
  • Terms/Privacy Policy
    • Cookie Policy
    • Website Terms & Conditions
  • Contact

Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

  • facebook
  • twitter
  • instagram
  • youtube
  • mail

The Dentists’ wet dream

Orally I am broken,

My mouth feels like Platform 9 3/4 must feel on the day all the young wizards return to Hogwarts.  It feels like even Voldemort himself has had a go at running straight through my gob.

I am in a little bit of pain.

And I am drooling in the same way that I do when someone posts a semi naked shot of Tom Hardy on Facebook.

Clearly I have been to the dentist.

For the fourth time in 2 months.

It would appear my teeth are still a little problematic – one bastard tooth in particular if I am honest.  It was the one I broke in Rome a few months ago, it throws daily tantrums, likes to poke me awake in the night like a horny husband, and makes eating ice cream tricky.

So I have been grown up, and despite the fact that going to the dentist makes my bladder want to wee, I have been.

Four times.

And it still isn’t fixed, and today I have figured out the reason why.

I think my dentist wants me.

Not in a sexual, touchy feely kinda way.

He is a lovely bloke, with a lovely wife.  Although I realise I am like honey is a to a bee to most men, this chap doesn’t look at me and let a gasp of air slide through his lips in adoration.

No, he looks at me and sees playtime, I am his oral sensation, fecked teeth that need him to don his Batman suit and get in their and fix them.

Just like my hairy chin is to my lovely beautician, my mouth is a real chance to roll up his sleeves and do some decent dentistry, like the shit he trained to do – none of this whitening crap, or polishing mayhem.  With the interior of my mouth he gets to have some serious fun.

I am a dentists wet dream.

Which is ironic since dentists are my living nightmare.

So today my tooth was numbed (3 times!), my lips must have swollen to the size of elephant balls, and then my tooth was treated to a drill, a shave, and many other processes that would fit beautifully in a vacant torture chamber.

Several times during my oral assault I actually saw my dentist skip in excitement from one side of the room to the other.  Plus, I swear I could hear him smiling as he dove deeper into the root.

I so rarely make men happy nowadays that at least I knew good was coming out of my agony.

When we finished, well he finished – it wasn’t good for me; he looked at me with glee in his eyes and said, “I need to see you again Jane.”

It is like the opposite of my online dates, and he only wants me for mouth…

Four down, one appointment to go.

I fecking hate the dentist.

Comments

  1. RachelSwirl says

    September 8, 2017 at 12:58 am

    I almost wet myself laughing at this, wonderfully written ! So hope you get better soon I fucking hate the dentist too!

    Reply
  2. Helen Pollard says

    September 12, 2017 at 9:38 am

    I made the mistake of reading this in public…. I snorted with laughter.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Jane is a working Mum of three and has great hair. One of these things may not be true.

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 10,122 other subscribers

Categories

  • All Posts
  • BB's journey with DDH
  • Breastfeeding
  • mummyblog
  • Paleo / Crossfitting
  • Reviews / Featured Content
  • Travel / Out and About
  • Twin Girl and Type 1 Diabetes
  • Uncategorized

Tots 100

TOTS100 - UK Parent Blogs
TOTS100

Search

Follow on Bloglovin

Follow on Bloglovin

Previously on northernmum….

Awards!

Tots100 MAD Blog Awards

Looking to Save Money?

Check out my thrify blog, full of ideas to eat and play well  – for less money!

www.fromspendingtosaving.co.uk

Northern Mum

Copyright © 2019 Northern Mum Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three
Site design with help from DigitalJen

Copyright © 2021 · Slush Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

SAVE & ACCEPT