I have body fat. And?

I have body fat.  And?

I’ve been thinking about this body fat thing lately.

Quite a lot as it stands.

Because in my head, I really want to be a size 10-12, yet my body stays firmly a 14.  I have lost about a stone since Christmas, but seem unwillingly to actually commit to anymore.  My inbox screams at me daily with newsletters I have signed up to about nutrition, weight loss, shredding, ya da, ya da, ya da.

If I ate what I read I would be tiny.

But here is the thing.

I’m not miserable, nor do I look at myself in disgust, because I think I am getting to the point in my life where my weight doesn’t quite dominate my emotions.

I was looking back at photos in the week and saw one when quite frankly, I was skinny.

I am rarely skinny so it stood out.

It was three years ago, I was in a size 10 top and size 8-10 jeans.  I remember the moment I slipped them on and the euphoria that accompanied them.

Skinny putting up a tent…….

Finally I was there!  Because nothing tastes as good as being slim.

So they say.

Three years ago, my husband had recently left me and I cried myself to sleep almost every night.  I worried myself sick about money, saw a a future that ended with me and 14 cats eating at my remains.  In my skinny state, I spoke to doctors about antidepressants, questioned my ability to parent and was a state.

But Christ I looked good in skin-tight frock.

Since then, I have used food and wine as a crutch to get me through the bad days.

I have gained weight, I have lost weight.

I use weight as my goal.

When I am slim I will *insert your own*.

But recently it occurred to me.

Feck that shit.

My weight no longer defines me or makes me who I am.

I will always be Jane, slightly stressed, sometimes hovering on a bit of depression, mainly daft, normally smiling, always up for a night out with friends.

This body is my only one and I intend on treating it well, but like the kids I am not afraid to spoil it from time to time.

Ask me if I should eat that, and I will probably have two.

Tell me I would be happier skinny and I will talk to you about the dark times when I only got out of bed to drive the kids to school.

I may lose weight, I may gain weight, I will probably share both experiences.

I have wasted too many sentences starting with ‘when I am slim I will….’

If I lose weight it is because I want to be able to do cardio workouts without dying on my arse, rather than conform to a size dream.

I am going to do everything and anything I want – my jean size does not dictate my happy radar.

Feel better for just writing that down!

Me – with body fat, and my best friend – who likes me for me rather than my jean size!

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6 Comments

  1. July 17, 2017 / 11:04 pm

    Wow. I honestly think I was 21 the last time I fitted in a pair of size 10 jeans (never size 8, it’s these hips you know…). But I do often think, what’s the point in being slim if you’re not happy? And personally I know that being on a diet would not make me happy. So yes I’m a stone or so heavier than I’d like to be *ideally*, but I don’t really care THAT much. Only when I’m sitting down and I think all of that stone is in my belly. Anyhow, enough about me, I know that you are super fit and have achieved much, and I do hope you’re happy 🙂
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    • northernmum
      July 18, 2017 / 9:10 am

      Thanks Steph x x

  2. July 18, 2017 / 6:33 am

    I soo get this Jane. After having the twins I NEVER lost my belly. On a bad day I look 6 months pregnant – a 6 month twin pregnancy! Over the past year I have put on weight that just won’t go away, my clothes no longer fit me and it depresses me. It’s time I stopped hanging on to my pre 50 body and embraced my new one because, like you say, it’s been damn good to me so far.
    Love you for writing this x
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    • northernmum
      July 18, 2017 / 9:10 am

      Mrs you are gorgeous x

  3. Grace
    July 18, 2017 / 8:55 am

    Thank you for sharing this. I too have had a lifelong battle with the scales. I got on the scales last night and after a weekend of indulgence, discovered I’d gained 6lbs. I kicked the scales away in disgust and then sobbed. I’m DISGUSTING…I’m HIDEOUS, I thought. No man will EVER LOVE ME.

    Later, I wondered where I’d learned this stuff? So yes, I do need to lose 2 stone, just for health reasons if nothing else, but since when did having extra flab make me a bad, disgusting person? I wish I knew where I’d absorbed these terrible ideas so that I could unpick them. Thank you for your honesty and I’m glad you’re starting the journey toward a balanced attitude.

    • northernmum
      July 18, 2017 / 9:10 am

      Ach it is so daft, I often feel the same, why should anyone date me, because I have a few extra pounds that clearly masks my stunning personality.
      Is so silly…
      Healthy yes, but the obsession with the scales has to go.

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