I’ve been thinking about this body fat thing lately.
Quite a lot as it stands.
Because in my head, I really want to be a size 10-12, yet my body stays firmly a 14. I have lost about a stone since Christmas, but seem unwillingly to actually commit to anymore. My inbox screams at me daily with newsletters I have signed up to about nutrition, weight loss, shredding, ya da, ya da, ya da.
If I ate what I read I would be tiny.
But here is the thing.
I’m not miserable, nor do I look at myself in disgust, because I think I am getting to the point in my life where my weight doesn’t quite dominate my emotions.
I was looking back at photos in the week and saw one when quite frankly, I was skinny.
I am rarely skinny so it stood out.
It was three years ago, I was in a size 10 top and size 8-10 jeans. I remember the moment I slipped them on and the euphoria that accompanied them.
Skinny putting up a tent…….
Finally I was there! Because nothing tastes as good as being slim.
So they say.
Three years ago, my husband had recently left me and I cried myself to sleep almost every night. I worried myself sick about money, saw a a future that ended with me and 14 cats eating at my remains. In my skinny state, I spoke to doctors about antidepressants, questioned my ability to parent and was a state.
But Christ I looked good in skin-tight frock.
Since then, I have used food and wine as a crutch to get me through the bad days.
I have gained weight, I have lost weight.
I use weight as my goal.
When I am slim I will *insert your own*.
But recently it occurred to me.
Feck that shit.
My weight no longer defines me or makes me who I am.
I will always be Jane, slightly stressed, sometimes hovering on a bit of depression, mainly daft, normally smiling, always up for a night out with friends.
This body is my only one and I intend on treating it well, but like the kids I am not afraid to spoil it from time to time.
Ask me if I should eat that, and I will probably have two.
Tell me I would be happier skinny and I will talk to you about the dark times when I only got out of bed to drive the kids to school.
I may lose weight, I may gain weight, I will probably share both experiences.
I have wasted too many sentences starting with ‘when I am slim I will….’
If I lose weight it is because I want to be able to do cardio workouts without dying on my arse, rather than conform to a size dream.
I am going to do everything and anything I want – my jean size does not dictate my happy radar.
Feel better for just writing that down!
Me – with body fat, and my best friend – who likes me for me rather than my jean size!