Why you should never take erotica to the dentist

Why you should never take erotica to the dentist

Six weeks ago I chipped my tooth.

Not in a dramatic way that is worthy of a story to be told, but instead, I went out, had one glass of wine too many, came home, found a Lion Bar sitting on the side begging me to eat it (which I did), then the next morning I woke up to find a piece of my tooth missing.

I can only summarise that my enthusiastic chomping of the chocolate removed part of my tooth, and the alcohol that preceded it acted as anesthetic. Either that, or the tooth fairy rocked up after a few and tried to remove a grown up tooth to show off to her friends.

But I digress….

So for six weeks I have coped, it has become perfectly normal to live on a cocktail of soup, soft foods and Nurofen, and only eat on the left hand side of my mouth.  The thought of visiting a dentist did occur to me, but following a traumatic root canal three years ago, I have developed a fear of anyone going near my mouth.

Plus I love soup.

But then….

Someone pointed out that toothache and high altitude mix together like vodka and milk and since next Tuesday I am flying to Morocco to hike up a rather high mountain I thought I ought to face my fears and go see the man in the white coat.

My nine-year old daughter, Molly, came with me for support.

She asked if I was ok as I parked the car, my face had turned a peculiar shade of white and she was concerned.  I told her I was fine, and would be as long as the dentist didn’t say ‘root canal’.

Fifteen minutes later she was stroking my hand as she watched my face become translucent, as the dentist said, quite clearly, ‘root canal.’


I hate root canals.

And now…

For six days I have been slowly becoming more terrified and more addicted to Nurofen.  The dentist also stated that Morocco was off the cards unless I sorted my tooth, so I had no excuses.

It didn’t stop the fear building inside me like a volcano waiting to erupt.

Today was the day.

I had prepared…

In order to distract myself from the pain and the terror I had downloaded an audiobook onto my phone to distract me whilst the dentist engaged in brutalising my mouth.  I hadn’t used much discretion in choosing a novel, instead I had opted for something cheap and popular on itunes.  The result being a book called ‘Gone’.

Sensibly, I had started to listen to the book the day before, so I could be immersed in the story before any drilling began.

Let me tell you, it was a wee bit of a surprise when I realised I had purchased a book of an erotic nature….

However, it was easy enough to listen to, and seemed to be more Mills and Boon with an edge, than Fifty Shades of Nonsense, so I figured it would be fine.

So back to today….

I arrived at the dentist.  Molly had to go to school and I hate for her to see me cry so I went solo.

The dentist welcomed me in, took my money before we started, like a true Masochist, then he laid me down in my chair.  I explained my fear and said I was going to lose myself in a book, he smiled and let me plug myself in and disappear into my story.

The audiobook continued, I caught up as Clive and Lily, the stars of the show, left the restaurant and went back to Clive’s condo.


Suddenly the book stepped up from Mills and Boon and swept into Hustler territory.  As the dentist tried to explain he was going to shove a needle the size of an arrow into my gum, Clive explained how he was going to shove something quite swollen into Lily’s front bottom.  The dentist kept it short and sweet with his verbal explanation.  Clive waxed lyrical for a while, using several different terms to describe Lily’s flower pad and how it was going to enjoy his growing pee pee stick.

I sat laid back in my chair, hearing words my mother would swoon at, as a stranger poked a sharp stick in my mouth and scratched at my gums.

It was like a fresh kind of agony.

I worked at my phone with my fingers, terrified that Lily’s pleasure levels were becoming so more excitable that surely the dentist would hear.  I couldn’t move my neck to actually see the settings on my iPhone, and as I fiddled to find the off switch I simply managed to hit the volume and turn up the sound to a deafening level.

“Oh my God, I’m going to….” shrieked Lily.

It was so loud in my ears that I was sure the dentist could hear Clive’s joyous response that his special massages were bringing such happiness to another human being.  But still I couldn’t find the off switch.

The dentist carried on, clearly motivated by Lily’s cries of ecstasy, he eagerly thrust something sharp into my tooth which caused a surge of pain throughout my entire body.  As Clive shuddered to a finish loudly in my ear, I let out a shrill screech of pain and kicked my legs involuntarily into the air.  This caused a ricochet through my body, which led to my hand jolting upright, releasing my phone, and it flew out of my hand and headed towards the floor.

Clive’s voice suddenly stopped talking in my head, as the phone became detached from the ear phones.

The pain ebbed from my body, and I started to relax.

The dentist murmured….’sorry’, just as Clive announced in a husky groan, at full volume from the floor….

“Christ, that was amazing, you are incredible.”

I drooled with embarrassment, as I picked Clive up from the floor and turned him off swiftly.

When I go back next week, I am leaving Clive and Lily at home.

I still have a fear of root canals, and now one of root canals and erotica.


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  1. May 7, 2015 / 5:57 pm

    There are no words! I may be laughing rather a lot though 😉
    Hope your tooth is better soon x

  2. May 7, 2015 / 7:15 pm

    Oh my gosh, that is just too funny.

    I’m currently going through the root canal process myself… or rather, the pain before the root canal. I find out the grisly verdict on Tuesday.

    Three cheers here for Nurofen also 🙂 And thanks for the erotica tip. I will be sure NOT to have that playing whilst having my face drilled off, lol.

  3. May 7, 2015 / 8:52 pm

    Fantastic! I’ve been giggling at this so much, my son came to check I was ok! Hope your tooth is better soon and that you have the best time in Morocco.

  4. May 7, 2015 / 9:44 pm

    Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Brilliant 😀

  5. May 8, 2015 / 8:41 am

    Brilliant as ever, I knew I was going to laugh just reading the title! Best of luck in the awards, you know I am a huge fan of yours.

  6. May 8, 2015 / 12:58 pm

    Can I start by saying I was laughing with you not at you! Honestly, I need to remember that I need to read your blog somewhere private as I do laugh out loud! Hope it’s sorted now!!

  7. May 9, 2015 / 2:00 pm

    and this is why I love reading your blog, haha.

  8. December 2, 2015 / 9:48 pm

    I also have a lot of anxiety about dental visits! Thankfully my last visit was probably the most pleasant experience I’ve ever had. Even though it was a dental emergency, my new dentist was so reassuring and kind that I didn’t need to distract myself from the procedure. But I totally understand why you’d bring an audiobook to the dentist! I bet that’s a great way to relax… when you’re not worried about whether or not your dentist can hear you!

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