Did Santa burn a Puppy?

Did Santa burn a Puppy?


I wasn’t sure whether or not to pen you a letter this year.  Last year was pretty disappointing, after I all but got down on my knees and begged for a dog, you didn’t grant my wish.  That is unless you chucked the dog down the chimney when the fire was lit and we were out, leaving my present to burn to a cinder.  If that was the case, Santa, then I apologise for my lack of gratitude, however you need to know that is also mighty cruel to burn Puppies.

So this year, I am not asking for much.  Plus, none of it needs wrapping – because Christ knows how much we all despise wrapping.  I did mine last night and have the papercuts to prove it.  Because of the quantity of wine I drank to cope with the cutting and sticking, my presents look like they have been wrapped by a toddler.  So we plan to tell the family that the three year old did it and face accusations of child labour all through the festive season.

So Santa, first up, you will have to use a bit of magic to grant this one, and we all know that you can fart fairy dust.

I want you to turn all those miserable fecking bastards who get on the commuter train into London every single day and sit next to the window and carefully arrange their bag on the seat next to them so no one else can plonk their arse down in comfort, I want you to turn them into frogs.  But before you do I would like you to assault them through the tannoy with an eloquent turn of words describing what ungracious little specimens of society they really are to presume they and their bag both have to have a seat, because sitting next to another unknown member of the human race is such an intolerable experience in their eyes.

If frogs are too tricky and you need more slaves in Lapland feel free to make them elves, but make sure they have to smile all frigging day long and sing Rudolph until they vomit.

See Santa, no wrapping, just fart a bit of fairy dust and make my christmas wish come true.

Then Santa, I would like you to reprogram the kids so they don’t shout anymore, just find their volume switch and turn it all the way down, and whilst you are there, snap off their bickering switch and moaning button.  That way Christmas will be a more sunshiney affair.

If you could stop me bellowing as well that would be pleasant, but I suspect if you sort the above, you will be killing two birds with one stone – and not in a dog down the chimney way.

Finally Santa, a size 12 waist – for me, and I expect he who helped create them will quickly forget about the Turbo Trainer (so he can ride his bike indoors) he is hoping for when he unwraps me on Christmas day.   Trust me Santa, Turbo Trainers are massive, they take a lot of wrapping and even with the cheap crap stuff from the 99p shop it will still be a unneccessary use of paper.  Best stick with shrinking me and making us all happy.  I could make some crude joke about riding involving me rather than a bike, but I don’t want to compromise your thinking when you are checking the naughty and nice lists.

That is all Santa,

It is a short one this year.

Have a good Christmas – and here is hoping you make all my dreams come true.



P.S.  World Peace would be good also, but I don’t want you to think I am asking for too much….






  1. December 18, 2013 / 6:06 pm

    Whose getting the turbo trainer? You or HWHC. Interesting. Ask the people to move their bags? Or sit on the bags. Top tip. Save your Xmas wish and spend it on something nice for you, not a turbo training.

  2. December 18, 2013 / 10:17 pm

    Oh god if only there were a bickering switch! I’d give up all desire for a new camera if I could get one of those!

  3. December 19, 2013 / 2:01 pm

    brilliant! I have taken to greeting every person I walk past on my dog walk with a happy this morning, it’s amazing how many people ignore me or stare at me like I am an idiot. It doesn’t take much to be sociable – and I don’t even like people!!

    Have a great Christmas

  4. December 19, 2013 / 11:20 pm

    You always bring the ironic out of the ordinary and make me laugh, I’m glad you did put pen to paper!

  5. December 23, 2013 / 12:05 pm

    Ooh can we ask for new dress sizes? …. adds to my long Santa list!

  6. December 23, 2013 / 12:16 pm

    i want to fart fairy dust!!!! fabulous list x happy christmas x

  7. December 23, 2013 / 12:36 pm

    Oooh, yes, I could do with a volume switch for Christmas too., great list!

  8. December 23, 2013 / 1:01 pm

    Merry Christmas M’Funny Lady! Peas on Earth is my wish x

  9. December 23, 2013 / 5:38 pm

    I’ve spent three years searching for the volume controls. If santa could sort it out that would be just brilliant!

  10. December 23, 2013 / 8:34 pm

    ooooh a volume switch sounds good! Have a wonderful Christmas Jane. Hope to see you soon. xxx

  11. December 23, 2013 / 9:02 pm

    I’m afraid I ask Santa first for the Size 12 waist sorry. The volume control on the children is genius and something I’m sure all parents will be requesting

  12. December 23, 2013 / 10:52 pm

    I guess I’ll have to pop the volume switch on my list for next year, someone told me Santa plans well in advance and last minute wishes might not be fulfilled 🙁

  13. December 25, 2013 / 7:21 pm

    I do hope you have been good and he bought you all that you asked for.

  14. December 28, 2013 / 9:50 am

    This made me laugh – I hope Santa brought you everything you asked for 😉

  15. December 31, 2013 / 9:04 am

    Oh how I don’t miss commuting – and mine was only a short tube commute. I always found a Brighton breezy “please could you move your bag so I could sit down” combined with a hard, cold stare usually did the trick. Please do share the secret if you find a volume switch.

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