Fashion, being fat and Camel Toe….

I am a little stressed, actually scrap that, I am a lot stressed.  I am the level of stressed that actually grips at your tummy and means I spend almost as much time in the toilet as a man does.

Too much information?

Apologies.

Anyway; I have a ‘do’ to go to; a posh one; which means my nails must be filed, my eyebrows tweezed, my hair must be clean and my body attired in appropriate clothing.

I fecking hate appropriate clothing.

I have had fair warning of this little function, and it had been my attention to take my flabby body down to the gym and pump some iron to turn it into a more goddess style look.  My dream was to hide my newly defined shape away under baggy jumpers until the night of said ‘do’ and suddenly I would whisk away the layers and arrive at the top of the spiral staircase dressed in this beautiful Lipsy midi dress from BANK Fashion.

I have a week to go, and sadly I think this outfit may be more becoming on my current figure.

So today is about shopping, did I ever tell you about my inherent hatred of shopping?  He who helped created them is a far better friend to spend the day in town with, I grow fidgety at the sight of boutique stores and the large fashion shops bring me out in hives.  Pop me in Home Bargains or Dunhelm Mills and I can play for hours, but fashion?

I just don’t do it.

I already know how today will go, I will ambitiously select a few items from the rails, and wander off in search of a changing room.  I will end up in the one next to Miss Skinny, the woman who mistakenly picked up a size ten in a lyrca jumpsuit and has to bellow through the curtain to the sales attendant to run out and get her an eight because the lyrca is hanging baggy around her middle.

Lycra has never hung baggy anywhere near me, in fact when lycra takes a look at me it shrinks in shock giving my nether regions a look that I believe Vogue have termed as camel toe.

I will of course end up panic buying something with a ridicously high price tag in the hope that spending extra pennies means the garment contains free liposuction before the big night.

In case any larger ladies are reading this and hoping this garment really does exist, I am pleased to inform you it does, but only in my mind.

Skinny people just don’t realise the stress larger ladies have when choosing clothes, I appreciate they must feel slightly overwhelmed by choice, us big boned beauties at least have the joy of only being able to choose from a small selection of plus sized frocks.  However I am sure that stress doesn’t impact the skinnies the same way it does the fatties.  Ten minutes of squeezing into ‘my size’ in a department store creates so much anxiety I am forced by hormones to find the nearest Pizza Hut and drown my bulge related sorrows in a deep pan pizza with a blue cheese salad on the side.

It’s not my fault, it is fashion related binge eating.

I am sure Miss Skinny has similar issues that the stress of choosing from such an array of outfits means she gets stuck in the changing room for so long that she just doesn’t have time to eat.

Fashion has made us the way we are.

So here I go, wish me luck and pray Miss Skinny stays home today.

Now before I go, where did I put the vouchers for the Hut.