It was never going to be fun.
But as the four of us, me, twin boy, twin girl and BB piled into my vintage, has its own tape deck, car I realised the extent of how unfun today’s excursion would be.
“Mummy, while BB is in the hy-dro-ther-apy pool fixing her leg is it ok for me to strip naked and bomb the phy-sio-ther-apy lady?” Questioned twin boy before my foot even hit the accelerator.
“And Mummy, if twin girl is annoying me can I shove her in so she drowns a horrible drowning in the phy-sio-ther-apy pool?” Continued twin boy.
Twin girl let out a turmoiled scream as she envisioned a watery grave and then punched her brother in the side of his arm forcing a similar noise to emit from his mouth.
I sighed wearily, we were not even at the end of the street and it was another twenty miles to the hospital for BB’s therapy session.
The journey went on as it started. Two emergency urine stops (admittedly one was me) and a terrifying brush with fear when the petrol light came on with no garage in sight and the breakdown membership ran out yesterday. No one wants to be stranded on oxfordshire lane with my kids and no petrol to escape.
By the time we arrived at hospital my nerves were shot, my knuckles sprained white and everyone had all their Christmas gifts removed from them with the promise that when we got home I was shoving them back up the chimney.
We parked the car.
Once inside the quiet hospital lobby I issued the ‘behaviour code’, assuming the correct parental stance of bending down to eye level and speaking through forced gritted teeth with peeled back white lips.
Thou will not talk, Thou will not fight, Thou will not embarrass me, Thou will not argue, Thou will not conduct science experiments with your own saliva….
It went on for a while, during which twin boy perfected the art of eye rolling and twin girl learnt to yawn with her mouth closed.
My strict instructions went in one ear, rattled round a pair of moshi monster addled brains and then floated out back into the world of the NHS.
I was exhausted from talking and my bladder began to complain again.
“Before we go to the pool, I need a quick wee.”. I declared.
“Mum,” cried twin girl, “you have the bladder of a diabetic with no insulin who has eaten a bag of sugar.”
I couldn’t argue, my bladder is pretty shameful.
We all crammed into the loo, twin boy stayed by the sink, BB joined me in a cubicle and twin girl took advantage of the moment ‘to have a try.’
No sooner than my arse hit porcelain did I hear a ringing in my ears.
BB stood innocently hanging off a red piece of string, her eyes wide with the expression of ‘it wasn’t me mum.’
“Shit, shit.” I yanked up my drawers, “where’s the reset?”
Outside the cubicle door, I heard twin boy start to screech “emergency come quick my mothers fallen in the loo.”
I found reset.
I hit reset.
The ringing stopped for a minute. I let out a deep breath and resumed my spot on the throne.
Then it started again.
Twin boy peeked his head under the door, his grin literally splitting his face from ear to ear.
“I set it off again mum in case the bog monster got you.”
Such a thoughtful lad.
As I said, it was never going to be fun.
Helloitsgemma says
LOL! Properly lol!!
northernmum says
Tis your fault – you and your bloody tea
LauraCYMFT says
OMG LOL!!! Actually snorted a bit too!
northernmum says
Nice image…..
Jess @ Catch A Single Thought says
Oh this made me laugh!!
jane says
Oh good x
Coombemill says
Jane you should write a book or have a comedy slot on TV, Victoria Wood move over Jane Blackmore is here!
northernmum says
Aw thanks x x x
thisdayilove - leyla says
Oh I love this post, it made me giggle so much. I hope the bog monster did not get you and you are ok
northernmum says
We survived! Just
The Fool says
You can’t be too careful with the bog monster can you?
northernmum says
exactly!
Crumbs & Pegs says
Hee hee. Nowhere better than public toilets for family bonding and high jinxs. Little fingers fiddling with locks normally expose my nether regions to the queue.
northernmum says
*sniggers*
Notmyyearoff says
Hahaaa!! Did anyone come to save you?
northernmum says
No 🙁
Mama and more says
Friggin hilarious! Are your kids for hire?
northernmum says
God yes!
Rhian @melbs says
At least you only went in for a wee! Be thankful for small mercies. 🙂
northernmum says
Too true
Molly - Mother's Always Right says
Ah, such a thoughtful one, that boy of yours… x
northernmum says
angelic…..
Jazzygal says
Lol! You have my sympathy but I SO love your Twin Boy… !!
xx Jazzy
northernmum says
Would you like him for a holiday?
Karen Jackson-West says
Ha love it!!! X
Karen Jackson-West says
Ha love it!!! Xx
northernmum says
Thanks ms Jackson x
kizzy says
So pleased its not just my family has journeys and days out like this. He is a very thoughtful lad though making sure the bog monster didn’t get you again.
northernmum says
All heart that one x
Becky says
Twin boy is a riot!! Love this story!
northernmum says
He is available for hire?
older mum in a muddle says
That was very, very funny ……
northernmum says
Glad you liked x
Lauranne says
I’m sorry but that is hilarious!! Thanks for a brilliant and much needed laugh! Motherhood sounds so appealing right now!
northernmum says
Thanks x