Today was meant to be all about the kids, real quality family time, things they would remember fondly for years to come.
It started off well, BB, in her excitement at a day with mummy, leapt out of bed with an excited squeal at 5:22am and by 6.30am she had managed to cajole the twins out of bed so they could all wreak havoc together. He who helped create them was inflicted with a coma like illness and he seemed not to notice the chaos emerging around our bed so it was left to me to start the day of fun.
First we got our limited supply of inks and stamped our way into the morning, BB was coated in black lines from head to toe by 7.10am and Twin Boy had cleverly redecorated our table with his supplies. Twin girl had made a den from old blankets and never used children’s curtains which seemed to be threaterning to dominate my living room. Breakfast was consumed whilst we played with pens and colours and then we avoided getting dressed by ransacking the fancy dress box and becoming cowboys, pirates and a Ladybug.
By 11am I was knackered, the house was destroyed and I was expecting the fella with the Tesco Mum of the Year Award to rock up at any second.
He didn’t come…
Instead eventually he who helped create them recovered from the twelve hour coma and graced us with his presence, lunch was served whilst the roast was cooking for tea and for a brief moment I wondered if I should change my name to Delia.
By one pm I thought I should make an effort into some real clothes as the cowboy boots were starting to chafe and he who helped create them kindly offered to mind his children whilst I went in the shower.
The water fell like heaven onto my shoulders and I busied myself with cleansing my body, I heard he who helped create them call something out about popping out for a moment but it was hard to hear him over the crescendo of the shower not to mention my divine singing.
I continued to lather up feeling the stress of a craft filled morning simply washing away, and then suddenly I heard a giggle, which was quickly followed by a snort and then all out laughter.
Twin boy and girl were stood at the door clutching at each other and holding their tummies belly laughing. I saw then that my son held my phone in his hand and that he could barely speak for tears from giggles. Twin girl managed to splutter ‘we filmed you mummy.’
Turning the tap to off I reached for a towel and stepped out of my sanctuary. ‘Ha ha’ I commented ‘very funny.’
The hysterical pair dashed off towards the playroom and could be heard shouting ‘boobies’ and ‘big bum’ throughout the house.
Ten minutes later when dressed and smelling fresher I wandered around the home in search of the troublesome twins. I saw my phone discarded on the phone and tutting I bent to pick it up.
Facebook Upload – 98% complete
The little gits had published my shower to the sodding internet.
Stumbling I started hitting the phone manically crying out a little at the thought of my naked Kylie singing dropping on to my facebook profile.
Facebook Upload – 99% complete
I may have wet myself at this point as I tried desperately to find a cancel button, and I felt an affinity with the bomb squad knowing just for a moment how they must feel when faced with a ticking alarm clock and a red and blue wire.
There was no cancel button – this thing was going live.
Using the strength of my natural nails and a guttural howl I ripped the back of the phone apart not caring for its safety and wrenched out the battery.
I have not dared check facebook since.