Why parenting is a totally unrewarding job or what the little b*stards did next…..

Why parenting is a totally unrewarding job or what the little b*stards did next…..

Today was meant to be all about the kids, real quality family time, things they would remember fondly for years to come.

It started off well, BB, in her excitement at a day with mummy, leapt out of bed with an excited squeal at 5:22am and by 6.30am she had managed to cajole the twins out of bed so they could all wreak havoc together.  He who helped create them was inflicted with a coma like illness and he seemed not to notice the chaos emerging around our bed so it was left to me to start the day of fun.

First we got our limited supply of inks and stamped our way into the morning, BB was coated in black lines from head to toe by 7.10am and Twin Boy had cleverly redecorated our table with his supplies. Twin girl had made a den from old blankets and never used children’s curtains which seemed to be threaterning to dominate my living room. Breakfast was consumed whilst we played with pens and colours and then we avoided getting dressed by ransacking the fancy dress box and becoming cowboys, pirates and a Ladybug.

By 11am I was knackered, the house was destroyed and I was expecting the fella with the Tesco Mum of the Year Award to rock up at any second.

He didn’t come…

Instead eventually he who helped create them recovered from the twelve hour coma and graced us with his presence, lunch was served whilst the roast was cooking for tea and for a brief moment I wondered if I should change my name to Delia.

By one pm I thought I should make an effort into some real clothes as the cowboy boots were starting to chafe and he who helped create them kindly offered to mind his children whilst I went in the shower.

The water fell like heaven onto my shoulders and I busied myself with cleansing my body, I heard he who helped create them call something out about popping out for a moment but it was hard to hear him over the crescendo of the shower not to mention my divine singing.

I continued to lather up feeling the stress of a craft filled morning simply washing away, and then suddenly I heard a giggle, which was quickly followed by a snort and then all out laughter.

Twin boy and girl were stood at the door clutching at each other and holding their tummies belly laughing.  I saw then that my son held my phone in his hand and that he could barely speak for tears from giggles.  Twin girl managed to splutter ‘we filmed you mummy.’

Turning the tap to off I reached for a towel and stepped out of my sanctuary.  ‘Ha ha’ I commented ‘very funny.’

The hysterical pair dashed off towards the playroom and could be heard shouting ‘boobies’ and ‘big bum’ throughout the house.

Ten minutes later when dressed and smelling fresher I wandered around the home in search of the troublesome twins.  I saw my phone discarded on the phone and tutting I bent to pick it up.

Facebook Upload – 98% complete

The little gits had published my shower to the sodding internet.

Stumbling I started hitting the phone manically crying out a little at the thought of my naked Kylie singing dropping on to my facebook profile.

Facebook Upload – 99% complete

I may have wet myself at this point as I tried desperately to find a cancel button, and I felt an affinity with the bomb squad knowing just for a moment how they must feel when faced with a ticking alarm clock and a red and blue wire.

There was no cancel button – this thing was going live.

Using the strength of my natural nails and a guttural howl I ripped the back of the phone apart not caring for its safety and wrenched out the battery.

I have not dared check facebook since.

B*stards

44 Comments

    • October 29, 2012 / 8:33 am

      I like to amuse

    • October 29, 2012 / 8:34 am

      Just for you Maggie

  1. October 21, 2012 / 12:57 pm

    Oh, that is pure magic! They’re evil geniuses (and I mean that in the best way possible)! Don’t ever teach them the ‘pulling-the-chair-away-while-someone-is-trying-to-sit-down’ trick – the dental bills will bankrupt you!

  2. October 21, 2012 / 4:28 pm

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !

  3. October 21, 2012 / 4:55 pm

    Classic…. my children have never done this, probably as it should have a David Attenborough commentary and an advert to adopt a walrus or something, before people thought Big Foot had a European brother called Big Belly.

  4. October 21, 2012 / 4:57 pm

    OMg sorry I have been laughing so hard. That is quite genius of them but god I feel for you! Have you checked yet? lol xxx

  5. October 21, 2012 / 5:39 pm

    Wetting myself laughing, love your style!

  6. October 21, 2012 / 7:00 pm

    Oh dear! Not looking forward to the day when our little monkey can pull a stunt like that!! Hope you’ve recovered from the drama of it all.

  7. October 21, 2012 / 7:20 pm

    Oh my god!!!! Noooooooooooooo!
    What are you on there as? I’ll help check for you if you want?

  8. October 21, 2012 / 7:26 pm

    Oh gosh!!! But did make me smile!

    I’ll be making sure I lock my bathroom door from now on!!!

  9. October 21, 2012 / 9:21 pm

    Ahaha sorry I shouldn’t laugh, kids can be so funny! x

  10. Merry
    October 21, 2012 / 9:45 pm

    Says the woman who wanted to tweet me in my sausage underpinnings…… 😉

  11. October 22, 2012 / 6:16 am

    *Rushes off to check Jane’s Facebook page* *Comes back disappointed* I LOVE THEM! Hilarious children. I imagine you didn’t see the funny side….

  12. Heather
    October 22, 2012 / 6:47 am

    Clever buggers. I have discovered blurry toddler-style pictures on my phone of me nekkid in the shower but luckily they haven’t grasped fb yet. If it makes you feel better, in a public loo the other day Ez said as loudly as possible “Mummy your bottom is really really huge!”

  13. October 22, 2012 / 1:17 pm

    Oh dear, oh dear …. children and mobiles are not a good mix, at all – thank you for cheering up my Monday! :o).

  14. October 22, 2012 / 2:59 pm

    Omg you poor thing! This did make me chuckle though – children cannot be trusted! Hope you are not too traumatised! x

  15. October 22, 2012 / 7:40 pm

    Oh…..my ….GOD! This had me on the edge of my seat laughing my head off, sorry!! I do hope it didn’t go live.

    xx Jazzy

  16. October 22, 2012 / 9:47 pm

    Like many situations in life, the degree of perceived humour varies greatly according to whether one is on the giving end or the receiving end! As for what Bex says, would the footage be all that much different from your average x-factor entry? Roughly about the same amount of clothing, surely?

  17. October 22, 2012 / 10:04 pm

    I live in fear of this sort of incident now my son is skilled with internet & iPhone. Funny I had a moment this week when I knew how bomb disposal squads felt too when the toddler set my in-laws alarm whilst we were in house. Unfortunately we didn’t disarm in time! x

  18. October 23, 2012 / 7:07 am

    how are you going to cope with the many, many years ahead?
    you may not be so lucky next time !!!!!!!
    brilliant post, just the thing for a grey tuesday morning : )

  19. October 23, 2012 / 9:20 am

    This is absolutely hilarious! I snorted myself on reading about their sniggering and filming…..so brilliantly written. What a day! Sounds like something akin to what goes on in our house!

    • northernmum
      October 24, 2012 / 9:57 pm

      Phew am now filled with relief!

    • northernmum
      October 28, 2012 / 4:25 pm

      Misery does love company

  20. October 23, 2012 / 6:06 pm

    dammit, why didn’t I have Facebook turned on Sunday morning!!

    • northernmum
      October 24, 2012 / 9:57 pm

      you want to see me shower?!

    • northernmum
      October 24, 2012 / 9:56 pm

      not funny mrs!

  21. October 24, 2012 / 1:57 pm

    Kids eh? Who’d have ’em? I loved this post, can’t wait to see what they do next

    • northernmum
      October 24, 2012 / 9:56 pm

      dont! am hoping they will go into retirement!

  22. October 25, 2012 / 11:05 am

    Too funny!

    Glad it’s not just me, although I was only shared with the passengers around me on a packed commuter train.

    My eldest had taken a raft of shots of me getting out of the shower which I only became aware of when his little brother was playing with my phone as a way of curtailing his imminent tired tantrum.

    • northernmum
      October 28, 2012 / 4:25 pm

      Did he share?

  23. October 25, 2012 / 12:11 pm

    You have to admire the use of technology though don’t you? Surely you can return the favour though with big hugs and kisses in front of their friends or leaving little note in their lunch boxes like “mummy loves you”.

    • northernmum
      October 28, 2012 / 4:24 pm

      I think they would like that….

  24. October 25, 2012 / 2:22 pm

    OH.MY.GOD.

    I held my breath all the way through that!

    Little monkeys…

    • northernmum
      October 28, 2012 / 4:24 pm

      Much kinder language than I used….

  25. Polly
    October 25, 2012 / 5:16 pm

    Oh my… I’m sure the twins would be delighted to know that Santa rang and he’s only bringing presents for BB *giggle*

    • northernmum
      October 28, 2012 / 4:23 pm

      Harsh but I like it

  26. November 4, 2012 / 1:40 am

    Waaaah!!!
    You know how it was littlest 6th birthday two days ago? Well we bought her a cheap camera.
    Yes we are that idiotic.
    This morning my son was swivelling it about in his hands manically (recording my daughter dancing from manic camera positions) when his stark naked dad wandered towards him (he’s German , they’re often naked ;-). My husband thought nothing of it then later on I heard the two of them laughing hysterically and they showed me the video!! My husband was so shocked – he may even wear pants in the future!
    Hilarious reading this on exactly the same day too.

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