Is it wrong to still feel frustrated, to still want to wave my fist at the sky and stomp my feet childishly.
Is it wrong to want to see my child bleed…
Just a little?
We were asked yesterday, by a doctor I hasten to add, if BB bled excessively when she skinned her knees or took a tumble.
She has never bled, my daughter has never walked long enough to fall down.
Six weeks post spica and she lacks the confidence in her leg to try to walk. I dream of uploading a video to this blog of those tentative first steps but when I wake I see my beautiful baby scoot on her behind chasing after me. It breaks my heart, she should be running through the house, darting round the garden and tripping over her own two feet and taking the skin off her unblemished knees.
I know my daughter is perfect, I know she will learn to walk, I know this time will eventually be behind us but still I find the ugly moaning mother fighting to climb out of me and have her say.
I want to watch her run after the balls she adores to bounce.
I want to catch her in my arms as she hurtles towards me.
I want to see her sandwiched between twin boy and girl hand in hand standing upright placing one foot in front of another.
Patience is a virtue I was born without…
BB looks at her legs with a deep suspicion, they have dislocated and broken without her permission and it seems it will take a long time to rebuild that trust. As her language skills start to finally improve she cries out ‘ow’ and rubs her leg. We were told it wouldn’t hurt, I am filled with terror as to why it is hurting again.
Is the hip still in, I try to summon my inner x-ray glasses to check her hip still sits firmly in its socket but all I can see is a beautiful leg marked by a slither of a scar.
Hypermobility is also conspiring against her, she may not be walking but my two-year old angel can flex her feet in ways ballet dancers dream of, still seeing your baby bend her ankles 360 does not inspire you that those ankles will support her moving.
But she’s happy.
She is content.
She can do stairs, she can fly round on her arse like no tomorrow – if I attached a duster I would never need to polish the floor again.
But how I long to see her walk….