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the day I broke my daughter

As BB is my third child it is rare that she, he who helped create them and I spend days out alone together. We have spent a fair bit of time cooped up in hospitals together but no one really describes that as worthy of hitting the top ten fun things to do with kids list.

 

Today was meant to be a day that BB could spend with her parents, one that would involve fun, icecream, shows, rides and a fair handful of chocolate buttons.

 

It didn’t go according to plan.

 

BB glowed with excitement when we arrived at Legoland. She has never been before but the bright bricks lured her in from the entrance. My heart cracked a little when I saw other toddlers toddling and touching and jumping and playing whilst BB pointed and gasped from the security of her buggy.

 

Four days post spica removal and BB has cracked sitting, but standing and walking are still huge mountains for her to climb.

 

The boat ride caused a smile to dance across her beautiful face and the train ride left her beaming and waving at anyone fortunate to look at her.

 

We didn’t get much further.

 

Five minutes later I broke my daughter.

 

A cheerfully coloured park lay in front of my daughters eyes. Play cars, swings and slippy slides beckoned her.

 

“Walk, walk” she yelled and holding her hands she hopped on her good leg whilst dragged the bad.

 

We didn’t even think, we just saw a slide and a 23 month old desperate to zoom down it, and by god my daughter has earned the right to be spoiled a little.

 

We placed her on the top and I stood ready to catch her at the bottom camera in one hand and the other outstretched.

 

Such a tiny slide…

 

She slid halfway and gurgled with pleasure, lights dancing in her eyes, her mouth already poised to cry “more”.

 

She stopped, her new patent black shoes snagged on the side, her left side, the side that has been in a full leg cast for three months.

 

In a heartbeat we saw what was to come and we sprung to action, but too late, too slow.

 

She continued to slide, her foot remained stuck until her leg bent behind her. Not comfotable for a ‘normal’ toddler, sheer bloody agony for a child whose leg has remained straight for three months solid.

 

I screamed and felt the other mothers eyes turn on me, the over reactor, the mummy who mollycoddles.

 

He who helped create them scooped her up whilst she shook and sobbed in pain.

 

I broke her.

 

My heart split, all I could see was more time in spica, more hurt for BB, I looked at her Daddy and knew he saw it too.

 

The ambulance came, white faced BB quivered as once again she was checked and prodded and poked.

 

She has been X rayed and so far signs say her hip is fine, but the pain isn’t going nor is the absolute fear in her eyes that she will hurt herself again.

 

She won’t let me lift her, she won’t let me feed her, she won’t try to sit, she just wants to lie protected by an invisible bubble.

 

I remember when this blog was a place where funny happened, I miss that.

 

We have been admitted, overnight, to check that the pain is less tomorrow.

 

I’m sorry BB…

DDH: after spica

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Comments

  1. You absolutely cannot blame yourself. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but at the time you wanted to give BB the best day possible. This was one of those unfortunate accidents and no-one’s fault, although I know it must be so worrying. Hope she gets the all-clear tomorrow x

  2. Jne, I’m with Laura ^ on this. I too put Erin down slides withing days – crikey at the soft play I was letting her go down sitting on Chloe’s lap. There was no danger, no need to think. Its just bloody unfortunate. I hope the hip stays put – it should becuase of the pins i guess. I’m sure it hurts like hell for BB as I know how sore Erin was and I’m sure its bruised her. BUT fingers crossed no damage to the hip. We have to remember that other children fall and their hips don’t suddenly pop out. Therefore we have to believe that our girls won’t. Hugs to you all again. xxx

  3. So sorry to hear and don’t blame yourself. Hope it helped you writing about it. All the best and I hope she stops being in pain soon.

  4. It was not your fault!
    She is bound to be scared of getting hurt again, but shes so little that she will forget it quickly. I know a girl who broke her leg skiing and was terrified to go back out there. She’s a double black piste runner these days. I hope it settles down soon x

  5. Oh, my heart just broke for you both, reading that. I hope the pain is under control now, and that she doesn’t let it dent her confidence. And good for you for trying to give her a lovely, normal day out full of lovely, normal experiences. Here’s to lots more of them in the future.

  6. *shakes Jane a little*
    This is NOT your fault. It was just one of those things – it could have happened to any parent, it’s not like your were being careless or casual with her. Accidents happen – it’s just BB felt this one a little more than most toddlers would, poor girl.
    But it’s far more healthy for her to continue to grow in a normal adventurous enjoying-life way, rather than being bubbled and protected.
    Of course she’s hurt and nervous – but she’s young, she’s strong, and she has these amazing parents who just keep on looking after her.
    Crossing all fingers that she’s going to be home and figuring out the whole standing-up thing in just a few days… thinking of you all.
    xxx

  7. Oh my gosh, that is a tough one. What are the chances eh? Rotten luck.glad the xray was ok. Fingers crossed they get her pain in control soon

  8. Oh Jane – no! I’m heartbroken for you. I would have done exactly the same thing. It’s so unfair – they’ve been held back too long and it just feels right to support them in playing and exploring. But so sad things went so wrong. Big hugs to all of you. I’m so relieved the hip is still in – hope the pain goes and the confidence returns soon. Xxxx

  9. So not your fault. Poor BB. Hugs all round.

  10. Mammywoo says:

    Mrs you absolutely can not blame yourself although I know that is easier said than done. Accidents happen and like you said she deserved a little fun! Did you know that was going to happen? No! Or you would have given the slide a wide birth because you are an excellent mummy. Hindsight is a bastard do not let it beat you up! You are amazing parents and this is a setback sure but nothing is broken. I’m sending you massive cuddles xxx

  11. oh no Jane what a bloody unfortunate thing to happen, no way your fault though whatsoever…just a horrible accident. FIngers crossed all ok and you get out today

    Love S.A.M xx

  12. oh I’m so sorry such an upsetting thing to happen on a day meant to be full of fun and smiles, don’t feel too bad about it it was most certainly not your fault xxx big hugs x

  13. Lots of hugs. Nobody died (as we say here) – it will be okay.
    Xxx

  14. oh no Jane, I’m so sorry that your day ended so badly …and poor BB, however she sounds like a tough little fighter and I’m sure she will get you through this.
    Sending hugs & gin xx

  15. DO NOT blame yourself. You’ll all get through this and find ways to cope. The funny will come back but you are allowed to be sad too. Take it easy on yourself. I can’t say more – you need a hug xx

  16. Helloitsgemma says:

    Gosh I thought mine was grim. Several throwing up sessions in the night by noo. Day in front of the washing machine for me. No wonder you feel crap but…. I’m your friend and I’m going to say
    Right you silly cow it wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming you. Give her a bit of time. it will be ok.
    Did I ever tell you how I let my son climb the stairs with a full leg caste only to fall from the top stair. That was an embarrassing trip back to a&e. You do what you think is right in the moment. She’s sore now but it will wear off. It will be ok. You did the right thing at the time. It just went wrong. No ones fault. X

  17. Oh the poor wee soul and how agonising for you all. But don’t let bloody guilt rule you, it doesn’t do anyone any good and yet all we parents are wracked with it so often.
    Xxx

  18. Sweetheart, please don’t blame yourself. You love your daughter and just wanted her to have fun … what every loving mum would do. Xxx

  19. Life is for living, Jane, and mistakes happen. You both meant the best and kindest for BB. DON’T reproach yourselves over it. Hope she gets over it soon.

  20. oh my – my heart was in my mouth reading that let alone being there – you poor love, you had the very best intentions and its something that we would have all done in the same circumstance and this is not for beating yourself about – though I know thats so much easier said than done x

  21. Oh no, your poor thing. I hope she’s so much better tomorrow.
    Don’t blame yourself, it was an accident and accidents happen. She will heal and you will all smile again.

  22. All my love to you and your beautiful family my lovely friend x

  23. SEardley says:

    Oh my word, I nearly broke down reading this! Like all the other lovely commenters have said its totally not your fault – but I’m guessing that hearing that a million times won’t stop you feeling the in built mummy guilt! Sending huge get well wishes to little BB and gin/wine to help you! X

  24. Oh no! This is NOT your fault, just one of those awful accidents that happen. So so sorry to head this and I hope you get some reassuring news soon
    XxX

  25. Oh Jane. Sending huge hugs to you and BB. xx

  26. Such bad luck. Sorry for you all. It is not your doing as I’m sure your rational side knows. The funny will return. x

  27. Guilt is a crappy emotion.Huge hugs to BB and you all xx

  28. What a nightmare for you. And I don’t know how you stop an almost two year old from doing the things children her age do. I hope she’s on the mend very soon x

  29. Hugs to all of you.

  30. I cant even imagine, I know how I feel when I bump Lola by accident….. hugs to you all. And I know you wont believe me, but it’s really not your fault, and she wont blame you. xx

  31. I always read your blog, but don’t always comment. But I felt I had to for this one. Just wanted to say that you are clearly such a wonderful, caring, amazing Mum. Please don’t blame yourself. This is so unfair on all of you, and you just didn’t deserve this to happen. But I’m learning that bad things happen to good people all the time. Wishing BB all the best and hope she feels better soon. x

  32. Oh no! It isn’t your fault at all. No-one could have predicted that happening. It is just really really rotten luck. Hope she is on the mend. Am sure she won’t even remember it when she is bigger. Sending virtual hugs x

  33. I am so sorry you all have to go through this and that your fun day out didn’t end up so well. I hope bb is better soon.

  34. Louise Jackson says:

    My heart absolutely goes out to you. Hope her pain is under control soon and you can forgive yourself as quickly as she will forgive you x

  35. I’ve been meaning to comment on this all day. What you went through was horrible. And I get the sense you are replaying the whole thing in your mind and wishing things were different? Please, please dont blame yourself. Hopefully BB’s hip will be okay … why wouldn’t you have put her on the slide? She could have had an accident with her leg in other ways. You were just helping her life back to normal again. Fingers crossed its all okay. X

  36. Hey, hugs from up north! Kids have accidents, even those in spina casts and you would be denying her a proper childhood without accidents! As you have already found out she is very resilient to adversity and reading today’s post about your trip to hospital think about the smash you would all have missed out on if this hadn’t happened! We send you all our love and are sure that you will all come through Sandi and Jen xxxx

  37. Do not blame yourself. I hope BB is ok and feels better soon!

  38. Oh no! What a terrible thing to happen! Poor BB and poor poor you. I suspect she will recover from this a lot faster than you will. Hope you’re okay.

  39. Oh darling it’s really not your fault. Please don’t blame yourself xx

  40. Just catching up, this was not your fault..not at all. I do hope that everything is sorted soon. Lots of hugs x

  41. Ohh Jane, bless you my lovely. Your beautiful girl deserved that special day out with you. Mich x

  42. Oh Jane, I just read this post and I am so sad for you. You cope amazingly well with all the challenges you are thrown and I know this will be no different. Big hugs.

  43. Jane just as others have said it isn’t your fault – you were trying to do all the right things and fate is an arse

    Sending hugs, love and the hope for a speedy recovery

  44. Only just managed to get round to reading this – and am crying, even though I know from you what happened. Bless her, and bless you, most definitely not your fault! x

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