When you become a parent it is important to clearly establish the battle lines. Failure to do so will lead to dire consequences later in life.
Being an oracle of parenting myself I feel it is only fair to share with you some of the basics that should be established from an early stage.
1. The skill of selective deafness; often a more natural instinct in the male of the species the females need to force themselves to adopt this behaviour. As a mother failure to learn how to ignore the wail of a child will lead to many nights of broken sleep. Tips I have picked up from the male species to conquer this skill include perfecting the “sleeping snore” as soon as a cry echoes round the house. Wearing body armour underneath PJ’s to protect oneself from a jabbing elbow and finally never open your eyes. To blink those lids is a sign of awakeness and then you are caught in the child’s snare.
2. A vital ability to acquire is that of ambivalence. This can be used in many parenting scenarios but can be most keenly seen in potty training. An ambivalent parent takes the ‘who cares’ approach and waits for the day their child shuns nappies and grabs The Sun and heads to the upstairs closet. The none ambivalent parent runs the risk of bankruptcy by spending all their hard earned cash on bedding, pull ups, mattress stain remover, new mattresses, fabreeze, new carpets, potties, weird little travel potties, spare clothes and some odd contraception decorated in Thomas the Tank or FiFi that sits on the toilet bowl causing an unpleasant surprise at 2am.
In extreme cases the none ambivalent parent has also incurred divorce expenses as trying to teach a child to pee in a pot has put such pressure on a marriage all parties have decided to walk away (and the child often returned to nappies)
Please note on rare occasions the ambivalent parent will end up with an incontinent teen; if this happens point them in the direction of the local Rugby team, after training and then drinking fourteen pints of dirty beer they all end up sharing the same problem.
3. The skill of silence. Teach yourself not to shout – save that instinct for when you are really pissed off you will have more of an impact.
4. Driving and cooking – huge piece of advice – DONT LEARN EITHER. Failure to heed my words means you will inevitably become a cook and a taxi driver for fifteen to twenty years and never once get paid. Avoid learning both and you can live a life soaked in gin without ever worrying about picking up the kids or burning the tea.
5. Put the kids to bed, don’t rock them to sleep, let them nuzzle at your bosom for comfort, don’t sing to them, don’t turn on the light and for the love of god don’t try and fit in the cot with them. Where ever possible let them sleep in a dark box with holes for breathing. The more independent they are the more sleep you get. Simples really. When you see the chap standing at the bus stop rocking side to side you will heed my words (guess how his mother got him to sleep).
6. Make your children active, let them learn every sport and instrument at school, get them involved in chess club. It is all free childcare with Ofsted registered people. Don’t feel guilty about not seeing the kids, revel in the knowledge that it is not costing you fifty pound a day in nursery fees and pour yourself another G&T.
I appreciate that many of you will already practice these vital parenting tips but should you wish to add any more please do so below: together we can be Perfect Parents…
For some barmy reason I am nominated in this years Mum’s and Dad’s Parenting Blog Awards, I am a little confused as to why I have not yet been short-listed as Tesco’s Mum of the Year but I’ll roll with what I have got for now. To cast your vote and help give me a shot of winning please go to the voting page on here: http://www.the-mads.com/ and I am nominated in:
Best MAD writer
Best Blog about Family Life
Best Blog about schooldays
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