Getting old: Are you too polite to tell me I am turning into a Gorilla….

I don’t consider myself old.

I concede that in the eyes of a teenager I am considered to be hammering on death’s door, but in the eyes of the eighty something year old chap who sits on the bench in the park near my house watching the world dance by I am little more than a child and I like his perspective.

But I have moved up in maturity whilst retaining my youth, yet bits have started to go wrong.  Stuff is happening to me that I didn’t envision would occur until I could get a reduced fare on the bus.

I used to pluck my eyebrows, now when doing so I seem to start at my chin and work my way up.  No one told me this was a symptom of age, Joan Collins never started an interview with the line…

“I was plucking my neck earlier whilst practising my lines…”

Does this happen to the best of us?  Or am I slowly turning into a Gorilla and you are all too polite to say.

My tolerance for noise is dropping, ironic really since the noise level in my home increases drastically with ever child I produce.  I like to drive in silence now with the radio dial switched firmly to ‘off’ or on occasion I like the soothing tunes of classic FM to pipe gently round the motor vehicle I am driving.  Chris Moyles drives me to distraction and I don’t know the words to the songs Radio One play anymore – plus nowadays it’s not ‘proper’ music it is just a rattle…

I have developed irrational thought. 

I stepped on the tube yesterday and two young ruffians hopped on behind me.  They didn’t do anything except unnerved me with their hoods and sullen looks.  Suddenly irrationally took hold and I began to fear for my safety, when the tube stopped at Baker Street I had to get off, even though I was going to Paddington,  I had a worrying feeling that I would not be able to contain myself and I was about to run down the carriages shouting “attack, attack, we are under attack from youth”.

And dust! 

 As a student I would look to hide dust, I would throw coloured scarfs round lamps to make the room so dim you would need night vision goggles to see anything further than two feet away.  I would nudge dirty plates under tables and make artistic piles out off dirty laundry.  Now I seek it out; I run my fingers along windowsills and tut audibly when it comes away grey, I look behind sofas and under beds.  If I don’t do at least two washing loads a day I feel incomplete when I climb into bed.  What’s worse is I dust hunt in other people’s homes, I see dust and wipe with my hands and then have to wipe the incriminating evidence away on my jeans, but this does mean my fun with the washing machine later.

My cleansing ritual has ‘matured’.

Gone are the nightly once over with a cleansing wipe.  Now when I see them on offer for two for one at Tesco’s I tell everyone in plain hearing that they will pull your skin off and do you no favours in the long run.  I now cleanse to remove the deep layers of make up I wear daily to prove I am not old, I cleanse again to try to ‘let my pores breathe’ because the packaging said so. Then I apply eye gel, anti ageing cream, toner to rejuvenate, repair gel to wrinkle hide and finally a healthy shovel sized plop of moisturizer to add some water to my skin.  If it is a plucking night this ritual can last for hours, if it is a plucking and leg hair removal night I often have to finish work early in order to get in bed before tomorrow begins.

My language has changed.

I no longer use words that my twenty something self would understand.  I use parent speak, yesterday I was especially proud as I managed to get into one conversation “you face will stick like that,” “because I told you so”, “wait until your father hears about this” and my all time favourite “just wait until you are a parent, then you will understand.”

Still, I don’t consider myself old, I am just growing up!

 

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49 Comments

  1. April 26, 2012 / 6:04 pm

    Three observations I’d like to make: 1) I have chin hair too. (Don’t tell anyone). 2) You don’t listen to the radio? Even when your good friend is brightening up the air waves? *cough* and 3) You dust hunt in other people’s homes? You’re officially never allowed inside my house EVER AGAIN!!! Not unless I’ve spent the last week getting every last inch of stubborn fluff from my skirting boards.

    • northernmum
      April 26, 2012 / 9:32 pm

      you are not in my local area!!!!!!! if not it would be jez and molly all morning

  2. April 26, 2012 / 7:07 pm

    Yep agree with Molly, you know that invitation to my house? Well it has just been univitied!!

    • northernmum
      April 26, 2012 / 9:32 pm

      I could bring a duster?

  3. Chelseamamma
    April 27, 2012 / 6:45 am

    I have to admit I’m still clinging on to Christ Moyles, but Scott’s mills has me running for the off switch!! (sorry Molly you’re not local either)! The rest of it is ringing very true with me too and in the eyes on my kids I am in fact ancient (so I am reliably informed)

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 10:01 pm

      Scott Mills?

  4. April 27, 2012 / 7:53 am

    I gave up on radio 1 a long time ago.
    I don’t want to clean other people’s houses, but I’m relieved to see dust there, since it makes me feel better.
    Sadly, yes, I need to pluck chin hairs too.
    These are the things nobody told us about

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 10:01 pm

      Life is a bit of an arse that way

  5. April 27, 2012 / 9:27 am

    When a makeup artist, who usually works with film stars and super models, spruced me up recently for a feature she was staggered by my winter pelt. I suggested meekly that my husband bring along a razor. ‘A lawnmower more like,’ she said. But there’s a biological conundrum here. As my body hair and noise intolerance grow my intolerance of dust decreases. I keep the house tidy to disguise the huge moustaches of fluff dangling from every surface. Why have I not been affected by age as hygienically as you?

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 10:01 pm

      I keep the house dust free to distract from the huge moustache on my chops!

  6. April 27, 2012 / 10:44 am

    Don’t forget about the calluses on knees and hands…

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:58 pm

      You clearly clean more on your knees than I do x

  7. April 27, 2012 / 12:08 pm

    Oh my word I could have written this myself! Except I have found something worse than a chin hair. I found a grey hair last week. And not on my head. I only wish that I was kidding *weeps*

    • Ruth Taylor
      April 28, 2012 / 3:41 pm

      Snap

      • northernmum
        April 28, 2012 / 9:53 pm

        Triple snap

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:58 pm

      Proper LOL

  8. April 27, 2012 / 1:48 pm

    Hmmmm. My once fffffing and blinding self acknowledges your age with a good, oh gosh darling it is soooo difficult isn’t it. I had to drag the children off one tube train this week to get on the next one, because I didn’t like the look of the man mixing other fluid into his sprite bottle. My 7 year old told me it was probably just vodka going in his lemonade, and not covert bomb ingredients, but I was taking no chances. I congratulate myself on still enjoying Chris Moyles, although I suspect it may just be because he has slightly more stubble on his chin than I do….

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:57 pm

      only slightly more??????????????????????????????????????????????

  9. April 27, 2012 / 3:29 pm

    I’m starting to feel my age, not the chin hair yet, but have started to dye my hair and go for face peels. I still feel in my early twenties but I’m not. Not sure I can grow old gracefully. Let’s just stay as young as we feel. x

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:56 pm

      Maybe the face peels ward off the chin hairs?

  10. April 27, 2012 / 3:54 pm

    I had to laugh out loud because I really did tell my 6 yr old ‘your face will stick like that’ and had to give myself a mental time-out because, good Lord – how old am I???

    Old enough to start saying ‘Good Lord’ obviously.

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:56 pm

      I say Good Lord a lot and for goodness sake!

  11. April 27, 2012 / 6:09 pm

    Well, if there weren’t an ocean separating us, and if I thought you could find the dust under all the clutter, I would gladly invite you and your duster over!

    As for the chin hair, if mine were just randomly growing out of my chin, it wouldn’t bother me as much (I think) as the fact that all of my MOLES are sprouting whiskers. Not just hairs. Real, stiff, whiskers. I’m like some creepy witch lady with whiskery moles. *sigh*

    Although, your point about liking silence made me realize one positive thing – the steady loss of my hearing might not be such a bad thing…

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 10:06 pm

      I used to stare at old ladies with hairy moles – now I see I am destined to be one!

  12. April 27, 2012 / 6:13 pm

    Oh dear… how old are you?? I’m scared for my future! I turned 30 last year. I celebrated by climbing Ben Nevis and getting a tattoo in the 2 weeks prior to the “event” thus finishing off my list in my head of things to do before 30. well except getting married… that I’ve not succeeded in. turning 30 horrified me… and now I’m thinking “I’M GOING TO HAVE TO PLUCK MY **NECK**!!!!!????” I’m full of the fear…
    Why!?
    Why?
    WHY do us women have to deal with this stuff?? though I guess at least most of us wont have bald heads and the thought of “to combover or not” to contend with. Or whether to let the nosehair takeover or not. The answer to this older men – should always be NOT! Those nosehair trimmers don’t cost much – and I know… for I’ve recently noticed LONGER NOSEHAIRS. I’m only 30. I’m screwed! I need to invest in one of these. Maybe they’d work on the neck hairs when they come in too!

    I don’t think of myself as old at all… heck the gigs I frequent are full of teens… and me thinking “I remember this band the FIRST TIME AROUND”. Ah… shit… I’ve answered myself there. I’m an “oldie” crashing a band loved by teens. I’m pretty much starting to look like a guardian for an under 14 I fear. FUCK. STOP THE CLOCK PLEASE! Actually can we rewind a few (lots) of years??

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:55 pm

      I feel I touched a nerve here!

      I have four years on you I can tell you hand on heart it gets worse!

  13. April 27, 2012 / 9:12 pm

    Oh no….. I actually used the “just wait until you’re a parent today” phrase!!! Brilliant post. I think we must be around the same age! 😉

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:54 pm

      I am not telling unless you do?

  14. April 27, 2012 / 9:13 pm

    actually that should read “just wait until you’re a parent” today. Sorry, it’s been a long day!

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:54 pm

      I understand – completly!

  15. April 27, 2012 / 9:31 pm

    Please come and dust my home? Pretty please…think my kids are not as noisy as your 3??? Or maybe I am going deaf in my old age…

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:53 pm

      you are going deaf!

  16. Ruth Taylor
    April 28, 2012 / 3:42 pm

    Worse is when you need glasses to see the dust, and the chin hairs.

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:53 pm

      I share that pain! sometimes if is nice to look in the mirror with my specs off!

  17. April 28, 2012 / 3:48 pm

    Yes yes yes to all of the above. Weewifie your comment made me guffaw!
    The best days for plucking are those really bright sunny days.
    Last time I shaved my legs , the drains blocked and there was widespread flooding. In these austere times I treat my leg hair as natural under clothes leg warmers. They’d cost you £8.99 at TKMaxx!! My eldest is weeks away from being 18 and I have used the mumwords “while you are living under my roof ” I vowed at 17&3/4 NEVER to say those things to
    My children! I was going to let my children have 20 dogs if they wanted. ( we have none ) and I was never going to yell at my children about the messy bedrooms. To date my child has been cleaning her room for the last 7 years. It’s all I say to her. Ave you tidied your room? We go through this facade every day. Her answer is always ‘nearly’ . Fortunately for her I am way roo busy on twitter to go and check progress!

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 10:04 pm

      leg shaving – another fabulously long winded waste of time – I mean why do we persist in doing something that our body clearly doesnt want us to do. everytime I shave it grows bloody back!

  18. April 28, 2012 / 6:48 pm

    The worst day of my life was when I plucked a hair from my chin only to see that it had a split end. I’m not even joking, that happened and it was proper shit.

    • northernmum
      April 28, 2012 / 9:52 pm

      I think I just guffawed for the first time in my lfe!

      • April 28, 2012 / 9:57 pm

        I mean, who knew you had to condition your freekin chin hair too. Like we don’t have enough to do. Do you think Liv Tyler has to cope with this shit?

        • northernmum
          April 28, 2012 / 10:08 pm

          I now use an old in one conditioner starting from my toes and working my way up – I get it at the 99p shop because I have to bulk buy.
          I have also stopped investing in ‘proper’ razors because no matter how much they condition and protect your skin the fecking hair still grows back quicker.
          Can you imagine Liv Tyler and Katie Perry having a conversation on twitter one night discussing the best way to remove a hair from a mole?

          • northernmum
            April 28, 2012 / 10:31 pm

            all! all in one conditioner!

  19. April 28, 2012 / 10:36 pm

    Wet myself laughing at this and all the comments too. No, genuinely I did. That’s two kids and a lack of pelvic floor exercises for you! Now, where’s the Tena lady?

  20. April 29, 2012 / 10:52 am

    Oh tena, I should have included that….

  21. April 29, 2012 / 12:35 pm

    Just had to come back to ask
    WHY WHY WHY am I growing silver highlights at the top of my head – ok they are bog standard grey roots when the hairs on my chinny chin chin are as black as the effin ace of spades? Just wondering.

    • northernmum
      April 29, 2012 / 6:45 pm

      Oh the dilemma of the black hair – I think it is something to do with the deadly sins….

  22. Helloitsgemma
    April 29, 2012 / 4:31 pm

    Someone once told you are old when your pubic hair turns grey.
    I love radio one. So cool and youthful it’s sick.!

    • northernmum
      April 29, 2012 / 6:45 pm

      Dope

  23. May 3, 2012 / 10:22 am

    Love reading your posts! Everything you wrote sounds exactly like my mum! And I’m sure as the years go by, I’ll be turning more and more like her! I have already started having slight panic attacks when the house is in a mess due to my messy younger siblings!

    • northernmum
      May 3, 2012 / 10:55 am

      I sound like your mum! – oh my lord I am old x

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