I am told your libido is like a boomerang, no matter how far you think it may have gone, eventually it turns a corner and starts to head back and then it arrives back when you least expect it; clubbing you on the back of your head and sending you flying onto the bed spread eagled in submission.
I think I may unknowingly hold an olympic record for boomerang throwing as I see no signs of mine hurtling back into my life but in the same note I must confess I am not encouraging the wind in that direction.
It’s a matter of time you see, rather than a lack of desire. I can just about find five minutes for some pump and grind action but christ knows where I am supposed to find the prep and revision time. Hair removal alone can be a multi hour task and trying to find a matching set of undies can take weeks in my house.
And mood setting…
Well first the kids need to be asleep. And I mean firmly asleep; nothing says passion killer like a six-year-old asking for a drink when the magic is starting to happen in the boudoir. Plus it is hard to rekindle the steamy fire of love when all you can hear is a thirsty six-year-old screaming “my eyes, my eyes.”
However should I achieve the miracle task of having all three asleep in one go, I then need to create an ambiance of sexy. Candles are deemed appropriate in case step ones goal of hair removal was not achieved. However the only candles we now seem to own are ones that are commonly stuck in children’s cakes. And you have got to be quick as those little puppies don’t burn for long.
Recently there was an occasion when it felt like the boomerang may be turning and heading home. I gave the children Horlicks with no added sugar and turned the lights down low in the bedroom. Luckily the previous night I had hit the local baths so I was looking quite trim (if you know what I mean), so with the lights oozing seduction I turned down the bed and with a smooth, simple flick I switched the I Pod on to shuffle and happily sighed as the haunting tones of Adele echoed gently round the room. I raised an eye towards he who helped create them and summoned him with a wink. We moved towards each other our lips pursed in anticipation. Adele continued to croon in the background and then she faded out as our lips met in an embrace. My hand circled he who helped create thems’ lower back and I swear I heard the soft whistle of my boomerang crusing back towards me. Bracing myself for a hit in the head I fell into the moment luxuriating in the soft silence as the next song whirred into live. And then the moment was stolen by the bloody loud overly friendly tuneless voice of some poorly paid backing singer filling the air with;
“if you are happy and you know it clap your hands, oh yeah”
The boomerang abruptly changed direction, setting a new course towards Antarctica. I could already hear the sounds of the children stirring from their beds preparing to join the grown ups party where it was clearly an oversight that we had mislaid their invitation.
It was over before it had ever begun and it was safe to say no one was clapping their hands that night!