Dear BB,
The last few weeks have flown by and suddenly your operation is less than a breath away. The doctors have told me you should be in theatre for four to five hours but have warned it will feel like eternity, I remember last time, I know it will taste like forever.
You won’t remember being in a spica cast, you won’t remember three months of your life being tied down. This helps slightly but still my heart breaks a little when I think of you waking up post op finding your legs restricted and your mobility gone.
You have really just learnt to walk, and you spend your days wobbling from room to room. Your current love is keys, not those rubbish plastic ones which couldn’t open a tent, but ones that really open doors and cars. It is driving your daddy wild because you take them and hide them and since you can’t speak you can never bloody tell us where they are.
I’m sorry my lovely, somewhere along the way I grew you a little bit wrong. I’m sorry that you have to pay the price. If I could take your place I would do it in a heartbeat.
I know you will shame me, I will be a wreck huddled in the corner, red faced and snotty. You will emerge triumphant, ready to take on the world in your cast, ready to learn how to live (for a short time) without legs.
When you were born I always knew you were precious; my last child, created by love and grown by adoration.
You walked without a hip joint, you speak without words, you are a beautiful inspiration and my little girl.
Love you,
Mummy
JallieDaddy says
February 11, 2012 at 9:36 pmBeautiful post; wishing you & your BB all the best 🙂
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:42 pmthanks 🙂 x
Total DeliciousNess (@DeliciousNessy) says
February 11, 2012 at 9:37 pmShe is going to be amazing and so are you and so are the rest of your family. A tiny tiny blip in what is no doubt going to be a life full of brilliantness!
Big love to BB! xxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:42 pmcheers ness x x x x
Notmyyearoff says
February 11, 2012 at 9:45 pmShe will be amazing because she has an amazing mummy! It will be worth it in the end. Hope it goes really quickly and really well x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:42 pmthank you x
Helen Stothard says
February 11, 2012 at 10:19 pmPass the tissues, you’ve made me cry…again!
She will be fine and this isn’t your fault, it’s not anyone’s fault, just a cruel twist of nature.
Love to you both xxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:41 pmsorry helen x x x
Blue Sky says
February 11, 2012 at 10:25 pmPlease don’t blame yourself for this, it’s just one of those things, and it’s going to get fixed now xx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:40 pmthanks 🙂
Liz Fielding says
February 11, 2012 at 10:52 pmOh, good grief – welling up here. It’s not your fault, Jane. We’re all born a little bit less than perfect. When you’re a snivelling wreck, try and remember that we’re all hugging you.
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:40 pmaww i like that feeling x
@scribblingmum says
February 11, 2012 at 10:59 pmOh gosh, sending you all lots of hugs and I hope the clock isn’t too cruel and you see her before you know it, wakening up and smiling up at you X
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:40 pmcheers lovely x
wibbly wobbly says
February 11, 2012 at 11:03 pmYou saying I am less than perfect! 🙂 She is perfect, she is herself, and she is your BB. Do not even dare to blame yourself – these things happen (to me, too!) And they make us the people who we grow into. You don’t live to far from me so, be warned – I will hunt you down and pummell you with tissues and a bottle of your preferred alcohol. There is no-one to blame, and it is fixable – hard to go through, agreed, but you will both get through it. I will be thinking of you both and send huge hugs – this waiting bit is THE worst, for sure – and then BB starts the recovery journey. Much love, Annick x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:40 pmoh I love your comments, although worried about the hunting bit!
Gin is the preferred alcohol btw!
and thanks x x x x
annickhollins says
February 13, 2012 at 12:50 pmThinking of you today – constantly – and hoping all is okay. xx
charliewells80 says
February 12, 2012 at 8:11 amxxxx
elsie button says
February 12, 2012 at 8:24 amvery emotional reading this. You are amazing xxxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:39 pmthanks elsie x
babybloggee says
February 12, 2012 at 9:03 amCrying now. So emotive. be strong for your little girl, It will all be over in a few months x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:39 pmsoreee, x
speccy says
February 12, 2012 at 9:40 amsniffling here too
This is not your fault. She is a strong, wonderful babe, full of drive and personality. A cast won’t hold her back!
Go, BB 🙂
Warm thoughts for the journey x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:39 pmthanks lovely xxxxx
Ali says
February 12, 2012 at 9:52 amLovely post, BB is lucky to have such a great Mummy and I think BB will make having a cast a little bit fun and some more good posts to come xxxxxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:38 pmhas to be funny in there somewhere right!?! x x x
anna tims (@ageingmatron) says
February 12, 2012 at 10:10 amWhat a wonderful tribute for her to look back on when she’s older. It’s easy to take healthy children for granted. When my daughter has been in hospital it has made me realise how lucky I was to have her, a blessing I might not have appreciated quite so searingly had she been born physically ‘perfect’. Your little girl’s disability is a painful misfortune, but the very eloquent love and admiration that it has inspired from you has turned it into something more positive. I wish you both the very best of luck.
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:38 pmthanks anna x
Lowri Murray says
February 12, 2012 at 10:41 amPlease don’t blame yourself for any of this, we are all, in our own ways, a little bit wonky, admittedly, some more so than others, but it is our little quirks which makes life so interesting.
Having so recently been through all of this myself, I know exactly where you are coming from, but please be assured, that this time will pass more quickly than you could ever imagine, and you will all come out the other side a lot stronger, having been through this adventure together.
My girls have now been cast free for longer than they had their casts on, and it really does seem a lifetime away. It’s taken a while and they’re still very wobbly, and need a lot of support, but their experiences have ultimately, made them stronger.
All the best for the op, please keep us updated.
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:38 pmthanks lowri
Rachel Dsouza says
February 12, 2012 at 1:47 pmYou are one strong, brave, funny lady and you will get through this, you are a fighter and so is BB! I have so much admiration for you all and wish you the best of luck.
My love to you all
Rachel xxxxxxxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:37 pmaw thanks big sis rachel x
Emma @mummymummymum says
February 12, 2012 at 2:59 pmOh Jane, you are and will be amazing and so will BB. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow. Lots of love, me and Baby H xxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:37 pmthanks baby h – BB says come see me!
emma says
February 12, 2012 at 3:41 pmI will be thinking of you all tomorrow. I am only a phonecall away. The worst part was the initial shock when Erin came round. She was bewildered beyond belief and very frightened, but it passed after a few hours. It doesn’t get easier putting them under a GA but you know needs must. Hugs to you all. xxxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:36 pmthanks emma, you have been such a superstar
Hope2011 says
February 12, 2012 at 3:54 pmThats was beautiful, I read it with tears in my eyes. There is nothing more beautiful than a mothers love for her child!
BB was be just fine, she will bounce back! Thinking of you all x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:41 pmthanks lovely, we know we will be fine x x
Super Amazing Mum says
February 12, 2012 at 3:58 pmWhat a lovely post.
All the best for you all tomorrow – as Emma says, the waiting is the worst part. When my eldest had his kidney taken out it was all I could do to not run a million miles away and bury my head in the sand…..you don’t want to leave the hospital (we were advised to go shopping WTF?!) but neither do you just want to sit and state at the walls. Take a book/laptop anything to try and distract you……..When my M came round from GA he was hyper (well more so than normal) for some reason and trying to do headstands on his bed…….kids are VERY resilient and be thankful she won’t remember.
Will be thinking of you all xxxxxxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:36 pmI am taking he who helped create them – we are going to try talking! for six hours!!!!! god help us
Musing Ju says
February 12, 2012 at 4:00 pmA beautifully written heartfelt piece. Is sounds as if you have one strong little girl on your hands there! Sending you lots of luck and best wishes. Jx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:35 pmThanks ever so x x x x x
richmondmummy says
February 12, 2012 at 6:30 pmWishing you and BB all the luck in the world with the op. am sure it will be scary but you will all be able to deal with it because you have such love between you all. Don’t blame yourself for this, it’s just one of those things and in time it’ll be a distant memory as she races into a bright future xxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:35 pmthank you lovely x
Kate Takes 5 says
February 12, 2012 at 7:56 pmI read this yesterday and didn’t know what to say but had to come back to comment. The feeling of hopelessness when you’re not in control of something like this is so so hard. But she will be fine – and how wonderful that we live in a part of the world where this type of thing can be fixed at all. Good luck to you all. Love and hugs. x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 8:35 pmaw thanks kate x
Becs says
February 12, 2012 at 9:10 pmBeautiful, beautiful letter. When BB reads it when she’s older, she laugh at you being worried about her. Brought tears to my eyes.
Love & strength to you and BB,
Xxx
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 9:16 pmthanks becs x x x
Jo Galloway (@PottiJo) says
February 12, 2012 at 9:15 pmAwww bless. Lovely Mummy post. Don’t feel guilty because your little one has to have a hip spica. Each step on life’s path is a precious moment even if it’s a different one from where you have each stepped before. I trained as an orthopaedic nurse and looked after several babes with hip spicas. You will learn how amazingly resilient and brave your BB is, you will find out things you never knew and your family will grow even stronger.
Will be sending healing energies to your family. x
janeblackmore says
February 12, 2012 at 9:17 pmthanks Jo, that is really good to hear (and apologies for a barrage of questions on twitter) x x x
Kelly Wiffin says
February 13, 2012 at 6:24 amNow I am crying! I hope that everything goes OK.
janeblackmore says
February 13, 2012 at 6:49 amIt will be fine, sorry to set off the early morning water x
Sarah says
February 13, 2012 at 6:34 amThat’s so beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. Sorry your little one has to endure surgery but dont blame yourself. Your unborn baby clearly felt nothing but love and adoration in utero. Giving her that, gave her the absolute best. X
janeblackmore says
February 13, 2012 at 6:49 amThank you x x x
SAHMlovingit says
February 13, 2012 at 4:49 pmPlease! Don’t do this to a heavily pregnant and highly emotional woman. I’m sat here a snivelling wreck!
I didn’t realise little BB had an op – the holiday has taken me out the loop I’m sorry lovely.
Big hugs to you and BB. Hope she’s back on her feet again very soon xx
Helen M says
February 13, 2012 at 6:30 pmHi
I’ve never posted before but read your blog all the time and just wanted to wish you all lots of luck and get better wishes too
Helen x
sarsm says
February 14, 2012 at 5:47 pmI’m trying really hard not to cry.
Hugs xx
alysonsblog says
February 15, 2012 at 8:03 amsuch a beautiful and heartfelt post x
Steph says
February 19, 2012 at 9:29 pmWe grow them all differently. Life would be boring if we didn’t, eh?! You’ll find the inner strength, and the time will hopefully fly by for you. Beautiful words, and thoughts – can only come from a loving mum x
janeblackmore says
February 19, 2012 at 9:42 pmTa x