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Northern Mum

Crossfitting, pancreas acting, single mum to three

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thing they dont tell you at your ante-natal class

Things they don’t tell you at your antenatal class.

1. Midwives are not care bears who will automatically adore you and want to make your labour as pain free as possible. They are underpaid, overworked women who dislike being swore at on a daily basis. Be nice to them and they may get you the good drugs.

2.However though be aware when it comes to drugs, petherdine will make you look like you are on crack.

3.Demand feeding is not something you do just for the first year; it continues until the teenage years. The toddler stage of demand feeding often occurs in Tescos with chocolate treats packaged in cbeebies characters. As your child matures the constant rooting for milk changes to juice, to fizzy drinks and eventually to your bottle of Jim Beam.

3.Whilst stressing the importance of your pelvic floor, no one really spells it out that if you don’t do 800 pelvic floor exercises daily you will wee yourself when you laugh, sneeze or cough. To this day I cannot watch Gavin and Stacey without wearing a tena lady.

4. Once your baby has established a sleeping pattern and lulled you into a false sense of security; teething, bed wetting and night terrors kick in therefore guaranteeing you will never enjoy a full nights sleep again.

5. Expressing milk will make you feel and look like a cow in the milking parlour.

6. Practising latching a baby on with a plastic doll in a room full of pregnant people is absolutely nothing like the real thing.

7. After a natural labour you can resume your marital pleasures as soon as you feel ready. For most new mothers this almost always coincides with the desire for a second child. For most new dads it is a couple of weeks after the birth when their brain has managed to erase the image of something the size of a large melon popping out through their pleasure centre.

8. If you have one baby you will marvel at how women who give birth to twins cope; if you have twins you will marvel how women with triplets cope. If you have quads chances are you won’t cope.

9. After having a baby you will not be able to watch a romcom of any description without welling up.

10. Finally the beautiful wriggling baby you hold in your arms, that you spent hours of agonising labour pushing out will one day tell you he wishes he had never been born. (Odds are he won’t mean it!)

Comments

  1. Kerry says

    March 11, 2011 at 1:48 pm

    Now that should be given out as a leaflet of what you should know when the test says positive brilliant! xx

    Reply
  2. HELEN JESSUP says

    March 11, 2011 at 2:05 pm

    ha ha, I love it!!
    x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 2:49 pm

      Thanks very much x

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      Thanks

      Reply
  3. mothersalwaysright says

    March 11, 2011 at 2:08 pm

    BRILLIANT – I wish I had you there at my antenatal classes! x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

      Maybe i could be available for hire?

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      well if you have another feel free to return to re read!

      Reply
  4. MellyBentley says

    March 11, 2011 at 2:27 pm

    I agree, that should be a leaflet. let me know if you do I do it for a living.

    Completely brilliant and 100% true down to the last detail. You should tweet it as “A note for all mums-to-be”

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

      Thanks and I will!

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 3:43 pm

      It could be a hard pitch for the NHS! they are quite underfunded

      Reply
  5. Geeky Mummy says

    March 11, 2011 at 2:38 pm

    Brilliant.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 2:47 pm

      Thanks x

      Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 2:50 pm

      Cheers x

      Reply
  6. geekmummy says

    March 11, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    All very very true.

    🙂

    Reply
  7. Jacq says

    March 11, 2011 at 5:25 pm

    LOL!
    You missed out
    -how much blood comes out of you for days after the baby has been born and how you will sometimes need two maternity bricks in your knickers to deal with the flow afterwards.
    – how stitches sometimes don’t dissolve and have to removed at your 6 week check
    and how you will be so paranoid about whether your breastpads are up to the job, that if you are at the supermarket and some perfectly nice old bloke tells you your milk is leaking, the first thing you will do it put your hands on your tits to check, instead of inspecting the 2 litres of semi skimmed in your trolley.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 6:17 pm

      Fabulous! We should team up!

      Reply
  8. CaroleHolland says

    March 11, 2011 at 8:10 pm

    My midwife should have been a CareBear – two babies and I never swore once… *may have been so whacked out on g&a and pethedine that she talked bout all the tools in her dad’s garden shed between contractions instead*

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 8:19 pm

      funny! never had pethedine; think i have missed my chance now!

      Reply
  9. T-J Hughes says

    March 11, 2011 at 8:28 pm

    Can I share this on the http://www.whatpregnantwomenneed.co.uk site? It’s just the thing I’m looking for. If you or any of your readers have anything to share on there, please get in touch – previous posts are fine! Fab post 😉

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 11, 2011 at 8:32 pm

      oh course you can

      Reply
  10. mummy matters says

    March 11, 2011 at 11:19 pm

    All so true, especially no. 7!!!!

    Great post as ever, keep ’em coming!!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 12, 2011 at 7:12 am

      Ta x

      Reply
  11. Bouche in the City says

    March 12, 2011 at 3:28 am

    Brilliant! I am a step mother to a boy of 9 since he was 15 months old. I do have some experience of potty training, terrible two’s and general child drama, but I only have to cope at weekends! My husband and I want more children but not quite yet! So refreshing to hear some truth (even if a little tongue in cheek!). I can’t bear it when my mummy friends fluff it all up! I await further posts with excitement and will be taking notes! Great post!
    Bouche aka Jo x x x (jojo_nash on twitter)

    Reply
  12. moonwalkingmum says

    March 12, 2011 at 8:04 am

    All so true! From my experience, now mine are 4 and 7, I can eventually enjoy a full 7 or so hours sleep a night which isn’t often disturbed now, however I am so dog tired after 6 years of no sleep, it feels like it makes no difference at all! I live in hope…….

    Reply
  13. Lynne Deegan says

    March 12, 2011 at 5:33 pm

    I just love everything you write,you’re so close to the bone,always. Keep them coming so that all women can be prepared. Fore-warned is Fore-armed after all. Xxx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 12, 2011 at 8:00 pm

      Thanks Lynne x

      Reply
  14. Hey, Mummy Mummy says

    March 12, 2011 at 9:35 pm

    Hilarious, totally brilliant and 100% true. I still have ‘milking parlour’ flashbacks. And was too paranoid to use milk that had been frozen – still have a freezer shelf fully of the stuff. What an ‘udder’ waste of time that was!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 13, 2011 at 3:45 pm

      i am the same, have bags of the stuff never to be used!

      Reply
  15. PhotoPuddle says

    March 12, 2011 at 10:38 pm

    Great post. I definitely agree with everyone who says you should make this into a leaflet. Would love to see the illustrations too!

    Reply
  16. Mother Badger says

    March 12, 2011 at 10:52 pm

    Did you seriously have to practise your latch with a doll?!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 13, 2011 at 3:44 pm

      Yes! I had two because of twin factor

      Reply
  17. Pants With Names says

    March 13, 2011 at 8:05 am

    Classic – and so true.

    They also don’t mention that your parenting for your first child (by the book, leaping to attention at the mereist wimper, quiet, calm) goes out the window for any subsequent children who get shoved in the corner and have to learn to cry with real commitment for any attention.

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 13, 2011 at 3:43 pm

      now that really is true!

      Reply
  18. Circus Queen says

    March 15, 2011 at 9:23 am

    Haha! This pregnant woman has taken note! Umm, guess I should give those pelvic floor exercises a go…

    Reply
  19. ella says

    March 15, 2011 at 11:53 am

    Brilliant post. I admit that I was so emotional after becoming a mother that I even cried at some adverts, I was quite pathetic!

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 15, 2011 at 1:20 pm

      I still do that! X

      Reply
  20. LJB @ crankymonkeys in london says

    March 15, 2011 at 2:07 pm

    So true, but I loved pethidine 🙂

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 15, 2011 at 3:10 pm

      Am an epidural girl myself x x

      Reply
  21. Mañana Mama says

    March 15, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Wonderful – you should teach anti-natal classes. You may have to occasionally say ‘sit down, stop crying’ when covering number four on this list, but I think your students will leave the course much better prepared for the terror, er miracle of birth.
    ~M

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      March 15, 2011 at 3:12 pm

      Funny! X

      Reply
  22. Iota says

    March 16, 2011 at 3:24 am

    Came here from ‘Notes from Home’. Very funny!

    Another thing they don’t tell you: helping a child with maths homework is like childbirth all over again, but without any presents and cards at the end.

    Reply
  23. Beki Davies says

    March 16, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Brilliant post – just one more thing – once you have had the baby and look at your stomach, dont panic it will reduce in size, but never completely – fact!

    I also think there should be one done for men!
    Bx

    Reply
  24. Crystal Jigsaw says

    March 16, 2011 at 3:04 pm

    Great post!! Those pelvic floor exercises are so difficult. I didn’t do any. Too much hard work in my opinion!!

    CJ xx

    Reply
  25. tamsyn says

    April 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    what a LOL, brilliant post! i can see why it was post of the week!!

    i actually beely laughed. it is so tue, i am dreading the day they turn round and tell me they wish they had never been born….!!

    see you soon, tamsyn xx

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      April 12, 2011 at 12:42 pm

      Thanks I hope your beely liked the laugh x x x

      Reply
  26. tamsyn says

    April 11, 2011 at 7:29 pm

    *belly, i have noooo idea what beely is?

    x

    Reply
    • janeblackmore says

      April 12, 2011 at 12:40 pm

      lol

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Post of the Week III: Things they don’t tell you at your ante-natal class — Notes From Home says:
    March 15, 2011 at 11:56 am

    […] further ado I give you Things they don’t tell you at your ante-natal class. Please go over and show Northern Mummy some Post of the Week […]

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