Any good mother of three or more children knows it is not a an extension of the truth to say that we are often found loitering by the cliff edge of sanity.
Most days I can be found hanging from my ‘haven’t had a manicure in over five years’ fingernails as the waves of insanity lap at my unpedicured toes.
The first two children pushed me to the edge and the third simply came along, waited until I bent down to retrieve some ‘organic over priced poor excuse for a biscuit’ from the floor, then took a running leap at my arse and kicked me ninja style right over the top. I fear should I ever have a fourth child it will delight in merrily stamping on my fingers until eventually I give up my marbles and drop like an oversized bowling ball into the sea of pure barmyness below.
I must be loitering with the loons because why else would I persist in spending every evening hiding the car and house keys so come 8.30 every school morning I have to tear the place apart trying to find them as the fear of the four of us being trapped in my end of terrace mansion threatens to choke me; and I must be clutching at the straws of sanity for why else have I found the keys more times than I can count laying in the freezer keeping nice and cool.
I must be going bonkers, why else would I sign up to run a marathon less than ten months after giving birth and when I am still best friends with the baby weight (we go everywhere together).
I must be heading to hysteria, why else would I decide the toaster was a good place to put my phone for safekeeping? Blackberry on toast anyone – top tip – it does not taste good!
I would be surprised that he who helped create them had not attempted to get me committed were it not for the knowledge that such an action would mean my mother would have to move in and that would get him requesting a double room for the two of us down at the local asylum.
But truly, I know I am meandering towards madness as today in order to keep the peace I promised the twins we could get the play doh out and the moon sand (at the same time) when they return home from school. God help me, I will be washing sand out of our pants for weeks to come and once again my lovely beige carpets with be stained a multitude of colours as the doh seeks its revenge for being hidden away for so long!
Tell me I am not alone; what ‘insane’ acts have you committed since the onset of becoming a mum?