i am the perfect mother: learn from me

I like to consider myself a bit of an expert when it comes to motherhood and I don’t want to boast but my CV in this job reads rather well. My career down this path began almost six years ago at the tender age of 27 when I discovered some rather angry black hairs in places angry black hairs should not be on a woman in her twenties. The unsympathetic GP diagnosed polycystic ovaries ( just like posh spice) and prescribed tweezers and Immac (in vast quantities). He also added an after thought as I dragged my literally hairy ass out of his office;

” Oh If you want children you might want to go home and hop on, it takes some women with PCO years to conceive.”

Ok so they may not have been his exact words but it was something to that nature.

Anyways following doctors orders I went home and hopped on without wearing a hat and three weeks later I weed on a stick and discovered in my case I was the exception to the rule on fertility in women with PCO.

Please spare a thought for he who helped create them at this point who thought he had at least a while of serious bedroom action but instead of getting the nightly loving he got to experience severe morning sickness instead!

But anyway back to the CV;

April 2005 to August 2005 – entry level role – mumtobe

August 2005 to January 2005 – promotion confirmed via 20 week scan – new role – multiple mum to be

(May I add at this point, I expected some form of training, sadly it never came)

January 2005 – May 2009 – huge promotion to mother of two babies; some people never achieve this level in their career; others wait years. I was fast tracked quicker than a spotty do gooder in MacDonalds.

May 2009 – present – most recent promotion to mother of three. This role involves the ability to coordinate at a senior (almost impossible) level. Whilst also being able to hold peace talks, chauffeur, be an expert chef with the extra skill of being able to hide sprouts in pasta sauce, and work 24 hours a day.

So you can see why I proclaim myself an expert, this is my longest job since graduating and none of my staff have left.

So with my new proclaimed expertise I have decided to share with you some mothering tips to help your CV achieve perfect mummy status.

1. Never shout in the playground, instead adopt a grimace the Gruffalo would be proud of whilst holding the child’s arm up high. That way the other mums won’t suspect you are less than pleased with your offspring.

2. When allowing your child to watch television all day ensure they watch ‘books’ : I.e The Wind In The Willows, Alice in Wonderland – that way when they reference it in public you can proudly declare how your two year old has now read all of Lewis Carroll and is moving onto Jane Austen next.

3. When in labour refuse all drugs in favour of a natural birth, but ensure t’other half held up a chemist the night before and has a stack of prescription drugs for you to chew on. This way you will earn massive respect from the medical profession for bravely going it alone.

4. At 18 months start to carry a travel potty everywhere and when visiting friends secretly tape the baby to the potty until they perform and then proudly declare them ‘trained’.

5. Put the kids to bed in their school uniform and give them a stick of Wrigleys gum upon waking and a baby wipe. This way they are ready to go to school at 7am and you can spend more time beautifying yourself for the school run.

6. Don’t give a small child coke. Flat lemonade can be more easily passed off as water in a bottle.

Anyway that is enough tips from the top, but should any of you other perfect mums out there wish to add your own do it in the little box below.


  1. March 4, 2011 / 9:53 am

    LOL Great tips! I can see that you are definitely an expert in the field.

    Love the flat lemonade trick! We call it Sprite or 7 Up in the States. Lemonade here is lemon juice, water and sugar so we wouldn’t win any mothering awards giving our kids “lemonade” in a water bottle. lol

    Also love the uniform trick too! That’s actually the same trick I do before races. I sleep in my running clothes to get a few extra minutes of sleep before a race. I skip the gum, but remember to brush my teeth and wash my face though. 😉

    • March 4, 2011 / 11:58 am

      Oh I sleep in my socks before a race but never the full caboodle!

  2. March 4, 2011 / 10:12 am

    Get the chocolate/sweet thing out of the way early on in the supermarket trip. They are buried in the bottom of the trolley to be dispensed at discretion – ie, when you get back to the car. Infant, anticipating pleasure to come, does not scream at checkout.

    Also watch pushchair passengers while exiting Marks & Spencer. My mother once discovered that the happily burbling grandchild had half-inched a bar of fruit and nut off the craftily placed sweet display as she’d queued to pay for half a pound of cheese.

    Since she was nearly home, she didn’t bother to go back and pay for it.

    • March 4, 2011 / 10:26 am

      Wise words liz, training your child to steal!!!! X x

  3. Mcai7td3
    March 4, 2011 / 11:29 am

    Hehe I will have to bookmark this and use when the baby is older. Very funny, as always! 🙂

  4. March 4, 2011 / 12:35 pm

    Dye chocolate milk green with food colouring and impress your Mummy friends with your little one’s love of spinach juice.

    Great post, as always 😀

  5. March 4, 2011 / 12:40 pm

    I love the comment that none of the staff have left! As usual you’ve made me giggle! My eldest will go to school this year, I better go stock up on gum!

  6. March 5, 2011 / 6:15 pm

    When your children are squabling at toddler group, just leave them to it and announce to all ‘don’t you just love to watch children creating their own mutual boundaries!’.

    Mich x

  7. March 5, 2011 / 8:46 pm

    Buy all clothes to match chocolate…..

  8. March 7, 2011 / 6:51 am

    Brilliant! I like nothing more than tips from the top – you should write a book x

  9. March 8, 2011 / 1:35 pm

    Brilliant post. I don’t have any perfect mummy tips but I always thought that I could achieve perfect mummy status if only I had a wife.

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