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Supernanny never had to deal with this

The things Supernanny doesn’t have to deal with

 The moment my eyes were forced into action this morning I knew it was going to be ‘one of those days’.  As the world outside our brown front door slumbered on with sweet Saturday snores our weekend began with bleach and bathroom battles.

It was a gentle surprise this morning to find twin girl in front of my eyes as I peeled them open in response to the unsubtle footsteps cruising up to my bed.  The surprise was quickly replaced by fear when she muttered “mummy I think Owen had an accident as I found this on the floor” and in palm outstretched she held a small circular brown pebble.  

 Ladies and gentleman poogate had begun.

 He who helped create them let out a fantastically fake snore, letting me know I was in this one alone and I let out a shriek of horror as the pebble’s aroma reached my nostrils and I braced myself for what lay outside my door.  As I swung my feet onto the carpeted floor I was instantly struck with a dilemma; I couldn’t see. I have awful eyesight and lost my glasses in the toy box a while back.  Until my contacts are glued into my eyes I am like a bat in daylight; if one pebble had already been found resting idly on the floor who knows what other hazards could lie between me and the cupboard where my ‘eyes’ live.

 I had to pull myself to together, I had to be strong for me and twin girl, it would have been wrong to let her face this alone.  Dressing gown on, eyes in full squint I left the safety of the bedroom.  Instantly on the landing the smell hit me, an accident had definitely occurred, any hope that twin girl had somehow found a small foul smelling stone at the foot of her bed left me instantly.  Although I couldn’t see the perpetrator of the crime I could hear him.

 “Mummy I have done a poo”

 Now apologies for my language here but ‘no shit Sherlock’

 Like a solider going over the trench I headed into the bathroom, I could make out the faint outline of a semi naked four year old hunched on the toilet, I could smell the aroma of last night’s fish fingers in their new form, I could…..

                   ….feel it between my toes.

Exquisite horror overcame me as all sense of calm rational behavior left me; there is no real time appropriate to have such a feeling of warm squishiness on one’s tootsies but that fact that it was only 6.30am added further insult to injury.  Anger replaced horror at my situation when I realized that he who helped create them was still in bed and so I used my ‘reserved for emergencies only bellow’ to summon him from the warmth of the duvet to come join me in bathroom hell.

I have to honest the next thirty minutes are now a hazy memory; similar to the childbirth experience my brain has filtered out the details too traumatic to recollect.  He who helped create them leapt into the midst of things grabbing twin boy and ‘accidentally’ plunged him into a rather chilly shower and started the task of trying to remove the evidence armed with only a sponge.  Twin girl reveled in pointing out my son’s early morning mishap and then laughed every time my hand got too close or my toes tangoed with stool samples.

By seven am the episode was over, twin boy sat freshly washed smelling of rose’s cheerily munching cheerios in his toy story pants.

By some miracle beautiful baby slept through it all – or maybe she just didn’t want to get involved.

Me and he who helped create them were completely knackered, utterly repulsed and wondering where we went wrong.

I tell you, Supernanny never has to deal with anything like this…….

 Still utterly adore the little rotter tho! – a mother’s love eh?

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Comments

  1. Holy shit (excuse the pun sort of thing)!! That’s extremely funny. Extremely gross for you and twin girl, but funny nonetheless. Lovely to see you all today, and well done twin boy for having no accidents!! xx

  2. Fortunately never had to deal with that sort of poo incident, it sounds horrific much worse than when the baby decides to vomit all over you!

  3. I loved this. The joys of little ones. Take care.

    xx

  4. You need to get him a litter tray, like what I had to you use.
    Purrs to you and the family (though _not_ to that mean dog),
    Binky

    • Binks how surprising to see you on the blog, as you approach old age your skills are developing. Give my love to the north and drop a few more hairs on Jimbos carpet and tell him to crack on with the wedding…..

  5. Brilliant

  6. Glad to see you are obeying the Mummy Blogging Rules and writing about Poo!

    Woweee! This makes my poo in the bath seem like a walk in the park. I laughed so hard then stopped to contemplate how it must have felt to squish POO between your TOES at 6.30am.

    Is it too late for me to send my two back?…

  7. Absolutely wetting myself with laughter – sorry! Luckily Baby Badger hasn’t got to a level of mobility to threaten this yet…

  8. Just you wait, I have had to deal with it coming out of both ends at the ssame time, all over me too! I put us both in the shower.

  9. Wendy McDonald says:

    This made me laugh and brought back an episode I had when my now 8 year old was 2! She had been left happily scooting around on her sit’n’ride when that all familiar scent hit. It took a while for the sight that befell our eyes to sink in! Our little angel, now nappyless, sat astride her once shiny red toy hands outstretched saying “I painted!” Yes…her choice of paint was the freshly done contents of the now emptied nappy. Every nook and cranny of the sit’n’ride toy was coated and stench ridden! She had pimped her ride with poo!

  10. Ewww! But funny. Sorry.

  11. You have to laugh or else you cry. Hugs to all of you!

  12. LOL…I once was woken by a blood-curdling shriek- it was one of our twins when they were about 2, who had been smeared in poo by her sister, one of the most revolting sights and smells of my life!……do you think this is something twin-specific?!!! :)

  13. Reading that, I really felt for you. Last year our darling boy went through a stage of decorating his room… with brown.

    We tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, but he still managed to do it more than 20 times. I actually got used to it – isn’t that awful???

    Finally someone suggested we absolutely ignore it, and just clean it with no fuss, no emotion and no talking. We weren’t to even talk about it anywhere where he could hear us. It happened a few more times after that, and then it stopped.

    Fingers crossed our daughter doesn’t give it a whirl.

  14. Oh dear, what a crap (sorry!) start to your morning!
    You’ve surely got to thank Twin Boy for inspiring such a great post, no!? ;-)

  15. Nice. Love those mornings. Not quite like waking up to the smell of coffee beans however.

  16. GourmetMummy(Susan) says:

    *Snorts with laughter* You’ve got to love a good poo story! When my little boy a bit younger, he was stood up in the bath and started to do a poo. My husband caught it. In his bare hands. I still laugh now when I think of his blood curdling scream for me to come and help…..

  17. Supernanny must have dealt with poo at some stage, though I wonder if scraping it off her toes might cause her to resign?! Poo(r) you, what a grim start to the day. My second son trod in another child’s poo fairly recently, mortifying him and the pooer, and leaving me and the mother in a bit of a dilemma as to who should have to clear it up!*

  18. Duck tape or cycle clips round the ankles of the PJs who needs super nanny…………

  19. So funny! You have made my day, I needed a good laugh xx

  20. Hiliarious. We also get to do the best JOBS don’t we? Supernanny would charge you time and a TURD! Just come across your blog but I’ll definitely be popping by again.

  21. 1.Now let me think would I like them back at time and a turd?

    2.Or shall I wait in the wings for Beautiful baby to come my way?

    3.Oh how I miss the days when twin 2 would ask “what’s brown and sticky?” on the hour every hour.

    see below for answers

    1.Of course I’d like them back sans the turd xxx

    2. I am building a house of gingerbread decorated by fisher price in readiness.

    3. It’s a stick!

  22. Finally getting around to reading all the ‘Poo Carnival’ stories. Now THAT is just hilarious.

    I’ve experienced dog poo between my toes before now – that is just the worst.

    “Like a solider going over the trench” made me laugh out loud…that’s just inbuilt into us isn’t it?

    Hope you’ve recovered from your short run yesterday btw? ;)

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